Food and Shame and a little Self-Awareness.

Real Talk.

I met a friend for drinks a couple months back. We were chatting about my “health journey” progress.  While we were sharing our current states and struggles I admitted to her that I don’t adhere perfectly to my diet all the time. She said it would be a worthy post to talk about the struggles of doing what’s best for yourself while managing stress and temptation. Also, she was relieved because based on this blog, she thought I did adhere perfectly. Let's get honest (and a little vulnerable)!

It does take diligence and a strict adherence (in my experience) to an elimination diet or therapeutic diet to see results and really get an idea of what you may be reacting to. However, many times I’ve been in an “in between” spot. A sort of “post elimination phase but still really not sure what is triggering me" spot. Those times (and life in general) can be extremely daunting. I have food weaknesses just like anyone. Over the past three years I’ve spent extended periods of time being super diligent about what I’m eating, when I’m eating and keeping track of the results. I’ve also found myself facing a “what’s the point” ultimatum. You can tell from my story that I spent the greater part of this journey (the majority of my life, less the past 3-5 years) bouncing back and forth between prioritizing my health and coping with stress and emotions. Coping for me usually means choosing comforting over healthy, foods and drinks.

 

One meal isn’t going to undo all the work you’ve done.

If you’re a year in on a journey and you’re between tactics and you’re about ready to throw in the towel or have a bagel. For goodness sake, have the bagel! (or whatever “cheating” would be for you)

This is a one step at a time, paying attention, listening to yourself (physically and mentally), treating yourself with loving kindness, patience and grace, marathon. Have the drink, or the meal and then pick yourself up and get back to what makes you feel best.

Everyone has their own threshold, their own limits. I want to avoid becoming fixated on my health and food in an unhealthy way. In between times of diligence, sometimes out of frustration and sometimes to let off a little steam, I’ve gone “off diet”. Other times, I buckle down.

When I want to see results I need to be strict. When those results, after a period of adherence aren't satisfactory, sometimes I have a “fuck it” meal (or couple of days). Then it’s back on the phone with Dr. Ruscio, and back to the drawing board of what was working as well as what wasn’t. I tweak diet, supplements, discuss habits and get back to what is the best routine for my lifestyle. (Dr. Ruscio interviewed Steve from SCDLifestyle.com and they talked about this notion as well. Don’t drive yourself crazy!)

 

It’s not about you.

For me, talking about health and food options has become a sensitive subject. Its one of the reasons this blog has become a more positive way for me to share my experience.

I feel judged by people around me in the form of sarcasm, eye rolls, “okaaaaaayyyyy” from servers, etc. This may sound arrogant but I don’t mean it to: it’s because my choices are triggering those people. I can’t speak to their journey and what it is that I’m triggering but I do know it is most certainly true that whatever they’re reacting to isn’t about me at all. Nothing anyone ever does is because of you. Everything is an outward projection of that person’s reality. My problem is, I’m sensitive. I’m reacting internally, to their reaction of me. I don’t want to trigger anyone’s own bullshit, I feel bad about it.

Frequently in the past, when I’d be stressed, triggered, lonely, sad or “over it” my instinct would be to go eat fast food (I think I actually have an addiction to Big Macs and french fries), or buy something or have a drink. My brain would search for anything to distract myself from what I was feeling because it was uncomfortable. I remember feeling this sort of discomfort and inability to sit in it during quiet moments alone, or in a yoga class. It often manifests as reaching for my phone every 5 minutes or not wanting to hold a yoga pose. It’s taken the last 5 years to begin to be comfortable staring this discomfort in the face. I’ll probably have to practice it for the rest of my life. I look for tactics to be able to stare it down calmly, and decide to feel it rather than eat it, buy it or numb it away. I have to say that the amount of eating rather than feeling (or fill in your preferred distraction here) has gone down significantly in the past year with this very deliberate decision. Traveling abroad with no phone service has aided in my practice as I have one less thing to use against myself.

A good friend of mine is a meditation coach in LA and she taught me a method of tapping into what’s really going on. I just tried this the other day when surprisingly (because it’s been a while since I’ve had this reaction) ALL I wanted was a Big Mac. I knew after all the success I’ve been experiencing on the Ketogenic diet that I would feel guilty, bloated, tired, moody and probably have a rough couple of days if I indulged. I couldn’t shake the impulse and I knew if I passed a fast food joint I’d stop.

So I did what she taught me:

I was driving but you can do this anywhere, an office bathroom, your office, a quiet room. Just find a place to be alone with yourself, place your hand on your heart and ask yourself “What is it that I need to know?” and let yourself honestly answer. Every time you answer “I’m angry” or “I’m hurt” or “I’m frustrated because this person said this” respond with “OK… What else?” and you just keep answering yourself until you’re finished. Until you’ve fully listened to yourself and all your grievances.

Once I did this, I was able to reflect on the true answer and it totally calmed me down. I honestly didn’t feel the need to stop for fast food anymore. Sometimes the answer is still a bummer, but it’s a stepping stone, a point for you to focus on and work from so you can continue to grow. Like Christina taught me, all your feelings want, are to be felt.

I wanted to figure out why I couldn’t just let some things go and why I was so anxious and hurt and my heart was racing and I wasn’t sleeping. It came down to this:

My fear was that I’m not worth it.

-That I don’t deserve to “act like such a diva” and restrict my food this much while in public, on tour.
-To spend all the money and time and energy and conversation and tears and meditation on myself.
-That self exploration, improvement and love are selfish (there are bigger problems in the world).
-That I’m a burden on my co-workers and my husband.
-To make my friends listen to what I’ve tried eating and what the symptoms and what the results are, over and over and over again.
…and so on.

The energy I was receiving from those around me was triggering that fear. It felt like they were confirming all of it to be true.

So, I sat there in the car and said to myself “Hey, wait a minute. Why do they get to dictate if I’m worth it?” I’ve been spending all this time and money and energy. I obviously think I’m worth it. So fuck that!

I read Big Magic this week by Elizabeth Gilbert and it contained this perfect little message:

“Don’t rush through the experiences and circumstances that have the most capacity to transform you”
Don’t let go of your courage the moment things stop being easy or rewarding.
Because that moment?
That’s the moment interesting begins.”

I still get hurt feelings but its unrealistic to expect otherwise. I am always going to face people who don't agree with my lifestyle or personality. The good news is that those people don't dictate my life. I do. AND I have an intimate but fierce support system and a doctor who’s on the pulse of new and “natural” treatment options, so I have support where I need it. I need to focus more on leaning on them and brushing off other people's projections.

Instead of giving into the shame and doubt, or rushing through the discomfort with distractions, I face it. It really seems like the more I address the issue directly, the stronger I get. The longer I stay the course with food, the more resilient I get. The better I get at not reacting to someone else, the calmer I am at facing conflict. I am transforming as a person, I can feel that and those close to me can see it. Everyone I interact with will somehow benefit from this work.

How I sing,

How I sing,

Signs are consistently popping up to help me stay on course, more than ever before and I truly think it’s because I’m just pushing through the discomfort day by day. The harder it seems, the more messages I receive: apropos billboards, passages in books, grafitti, music, a scene in a movie, the meditation theme I heard last night. It’s all just SO relevant and coincidental. I find it very encouraging and I love sharing that with like-minded folks because I think it can also be so exciting and affirming for others on similar journeys. Even if the moment doesn’t specifically pertain to them, the process does.

So, don’t worry about being perfect. Focus on what you’re feeling and adjust as you go. If food is your thing then do your best and don't beat yourself up. Stay the course and pay attention, signs are showing up to confirm what you already know, you are worth it.

Oh, and also read Big Magic.

Guest Post: STANK STOP: AKA My Never-ending Search for Natural Deodorant That Doesn’t Make Me Cry. (Spoiler Alert: I FOUND IT!)

Guest Post by Becca Murray of Becca Brain

The Impetus

In September 2014, Beebe was helping me unpack my new apartment. Upon opening my bathroom box and seeing my Dove Clinical Strength deodorant, she flipped her shit. "OMIGOD YOU USE THIS?" She proceeded to give me a lecture about how I’m so crazy about what goes in my body, how can I be so flippant about what goes on my body, etc. I’m not a smelly person, but I’m a sweaty person. As a performer, this can be an issue. Hot lights, a little bit of nerves, sweaty pits. Not a good look. But I decided to give it a go. 

 Nope Nope Nope

For Christmas that year, Beebe got me a tub of Fat and the Moon deodorant cream, a highly recommended natural brand. I began using it and immediately broke out in a rash under my arms. I’ve never been one to have sensitive skin, so I freaked out but tried to push through it. About a month later, I quit and regifted the present back to Beebe. (She loved it & still uses it to this day, so it was definitely a me issue, not a product issue. Much love to Fat and the Moon!) Over the past year-ish, I’ve tried several brands and even tried making my own. Every single one of them has made me rash out. It looks like acne and it hurts like a bitch and after a month of pain, I always go back to my old (cancerous) standby. This year, I decided that I needed to figure out the problem and go natural no matter what. I read this post that suggested an armpit detox. Seriously, it’s a thing. A friend had just given me a Dead Sea mud mask from his trip to Jordan, so I decided to give it a go. I only put on my deodorant – Lavanilla, at this point – a couple times a week, always at night. I’d have flare-ups, but kept using it to see if my reaction was lessening with the detoxing. It wasn’t. I did notice that the bumps would reduce after the mask, but I’d break out as soon as I started sweating or applied deodorant again. UGH. I also read that magnesium can reduce your need for deodorant. I already take magnesium before bed to help me relax, but I began using a magnesium spray (that I already had on hand for muscle/joint pain) under my arms every day. It didn’t hurt, but it didn’t really seem to help, either.

FINALLY

Last month, after regaling Beebe with my whole saga (which I’d somehow kept all to myself this whole time), she gave me the remains of her Stank Stop. She had switched over to Fat and the Moon – better consistency, for her skin – and had most of a tub sitting unused in her medicine cabinet. She is a HUGE fan of Fat Face Skincare and suggested that I add this to the list of products I’ve tried before throwing in the towel completely. I used it with zero expectation. THE NEXT DAY, MY RASH WAS GONE. I’m not even kidding. She gave it to me on a Wednesday night, I used it on a Thursday morning and on Thursday night, I realized that the rash had disappeared. I’ve now been using it for about a month. My rash has not resurfaced AND I haven't sweat through a single shirt. (It’s warm in LA, you guys.) In the words of buddy the elf "I'M IN LOVE, I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!"

Check out Becca's Site Here! She's an amazing photographer and artist as well as a brilliant performer and Jill of all trades.

 

Editor's Note: I DO LOVE Fat Face! Not only was it created by and is owned and run by a woman (mega bonus!), but their "intro" on the blog SOLD me from day one. (Hint: it has to do with DIET affecting your skin.) See for yourself. It's an amazing (and growing!) company.

I have their cleanser, healing and anti-aging face oil, moisturizing cream, fat stick and toner. 

Also, I'm trying not to lecture people anymore (see post one), especially Becca.

Why I'd recommend an Elimination Diet to anyone.

I get a lot of eye rolls when i talk about food. Most of the time because my symptoms could be explained by almost anything. If these were occasional or one off reactions i'd totally get that. I also get that most people probably don't keep stock of how they feel throughout the day (meticulously or at all). Reasons why I'd recommend someone try an elimination diet: headaches, allergies, asthma, undiagnosed or unexplained anything from your Doctor. Acne if you're not 14, acne if you are 14, weight gain, weight loss, fatigue, moodiness, poor memory, if you've never done one before, if you have done one before, insomnia, anxiety, depression, joint pain, gut pain, heartburn, teeth grinding/clenching, gas, bloating, burping, diarrhea, constipation, gallbladder issues. You get the point, if you have an "issue" it's worth examining how your diet may be a contributing factor. There is no gold standard test for food allergies or intolerances. Because our bodies are so unique to us, the most effective course of action currently, is doing an elimination diet. 

Of course I do believe that I'm a product of my own life. My experiences, environments, diet, lifestyle, friends, community, activity level and general life decisions have all shaped who I am. Of course I've been to therapy. Of course I've seen General Practitioners for a bunch of the symptoms I've experienced (as you may have read). The point is, if it's not getting better and you want it to, my FIRST suggestion to you is going to be: try an elimination diet. 

Eliminate food as the possible source of your ailment.

That is my suggestion. It is far too easy to have eaten wheat and dairy and sugar (to name some of the main offenders) and become accustomed to how it feels in your system. You can be symptomatic and not know it or have NO symptoms currently and still have a possible issue. Admittedly, I'm one who had symptoms of intolerances to these foods and never really felt the effects until i went off them and then reintroduced them. These diets are not just for allergies/intolerances. The food you eat influences your micro biome and diversity of that bacteria is instrumental to your health. Eating certain foods can kill off the variety of bacteria in your gut which can lead to health problems as simple as being more susceptible to colds or as complicated as allergic reactions to food. This could be step one of merely living a healthier lifestyle catered to your specific needs.

I was listening to Dr. Ruscio's podcast yesterday. Mickey Trescott (the author of the cook book I have and used before I went low FODMAP) was the guest. She made a great point about AIP (and this applies to elimination diets in general): It's a tool.

"No diet is going to fit one person for the rest of their life".

Maybe what you ate 5 years ago doesn't agree with you now. Your body is constantly in flux. Stress, sleep, illness, all of that can play a part in what you can or can't handle digestively. And, to make it more annoying and confusing (because believe me it is both) you can't even go by what everyone says the symptoms are. You have to figure out how that food makes YOU feel and listen to YOUR body's reaction.

I, for one, do not present "normally" when it comes to a lot of the issues Ive been faced with. Acupuncturists, chiropractic and "regular" (or M.D.) doctors have all had a difficult time diagnosing what's up with me because of this. Knowing what makes you feel your best and if you're not quite there yet, is what I've found to be the key in prioritizing my health. The first step in really knowing what affects you is eliminating possible offenders and then reintroducing them methodically, so you can rule them out as a culprit. Regardless of the outcome, you will gain some control in your own day to day energy, digestion and mood.

I can practically promise you that. 

the good news?

If I can do this, LITERALLY ANYONE CAN.

I am a junk food addict. I love McDonalds, I love Dominos. I've eaten my fair share of each of them and many more foods like them. I think sometimes it just comes to a point where you're either really ready to feel better, or at the time, perhaps it's not worth it to you. I had to wait until I was ready, my will power wasn't enough otherwise. Now if I eat Domino's, I not only get bloated but i have almost immediate neurological effects. Depression, anxiety, physical heart palpitations, insomnia, nightmares, my body is very clear about not wanting this food. However, those reactions weren't clear until i cut out all those ingredients and then reintroduced them. My picture still isn't complete of what's healthful for me and what isn't, but for now I do have a good idea what to stay away from. Once I'm finished with chelation, i'm going back to AIP low FODMAP (strictly) and seeing if I can heal my leaky gut enough to reintroduce more FODMAPs. (I'm so symptomatic in treatment, I eat what I know makes me feel good 80% of the time but I've also allowed myself some leniency. It's a balance.)

There are a bunch of diets one can try. If a certain diet doesn't cure your symptoms, unfortunately that doesn't mean that food is not a factor. It could mean that. However, it could also mean you just hadn't removed that food item or group yet. That was the case for me with Kale and FODMAPS. This may mean trying more than one diet. It may mean committing a little longer than you originally anticipated.

Elimination Diets I can suggest:

SCD - great one to try for suspected leaky gut, and IBDs (Celiac, Ulcerative Colitis, Crohn's)

GAPS - developed from the SCD, this diet is tailored towards gut flora health and healing leaky gut. (In my opinion, if you go either of these routes, you may as well look at the lists between the two and decide where you might want to start.

The Paleo Cure - this book by Chris Kresser is extremely informative about how your body absorbs nutrients and is not preachy. This is a good diet for anyone who wants to feel better overall but doesn't necessarily think they have any "issues". It removes the main offenders but isn't too intense in my opinion. You can also check out Robb Wolf's website here.

AIP - if the diets above aren't producing the results you desire. Or if you feel like going balls to the wall and "getting it over with" this diet is the one for you. It removes more food groups comprehensively than the Paleo diet, such as nightshades, seeds, nuts and the spices that fall under those categories.

Low FODMAP - (stands for Fermentable Oligo-Di-Monosaccharides and Polyols) a good reference to start if you have IBS, Crohn's or other IBDs. FODMAPs are short chain carbohydrates that can ferment if undigested in your gut. The cool yet tricky thing about FODMAPs is that it's not a black and white situation. It is dependent on the amount of the food taht you eat. Perhaps 1c of broccoli is OK for you but any more than that causes a host of symptoms. I tacked this on to AIP because they were clearly an issue for me, I was super uncomfortable and swollen from the vegetables and fruits on this list. I hope once my gut heals I can add them in, I MISS MOST VEGETABLES!

Here are some AIP friendly meals courtesy of Mickey Trescott's Instagram, not too shabby.

Being "Good" (my story part 2)

New to My Story? Read Part 1.

When I started college, I had the not so vague idea that grains didn't serve my body well. I still loved (and ate) pizza but tried not to consume them quite as much. I went off of the depression and anxiety meds I was on from high school. I was still on the pill and my skin was normal (occasional breakouts but mostly under control.)

New Symptoms

Now that my skin seemed to be doing better and I wasn't panicking all the time, i became more aware of my physical symptoms from food.  I had the most FOUL smelling gas. Totally awful, anxiety inducing and difficult to manage.

I also noticed i would get SEVERELY bloated. Within 20 minutes to an hour i could look 3 months pregnant. Of course, bagels and pizza would set it off but sometimes i'd be bloated from other foods too. The nickname we had for it was "buddha belly". I wish I had the opportunity to learn about digestion in school, we barely talked about it in biology.

It in college that i also discovered "alcohol flush reaction". One night we were at my boyfriend's apartment, playing some drinking game. I went to the restroom and noticed my face had totally "rashed out" under the skin, it was all flush on one side of my face and down onto my décolletage. Any previously healed blemish looked bright red (though not raised). I was like WHAT IS HAPPENING?! it looked like an allergic reaction. It faded after about 10-20 minutes. From then on I had my eye out for what would set that off. 

The summer between my Freshman and Sophomore year of college i did my second elimination diet. I was a lot more committed this time around, i lost weight from not eating all the crap and enjoyed not being super bloated most of the time. I had more energy, the circles under my eyes reduced, i was less "Swollen and inflamed" looking. When i got back to school, i tried really hard to stick to it. I was off grains and dairy (except for caesar salad dressing, no one's perfect). I was eating a lot of salads in my dorm and trying to just avoid the pasta bar in the dining hall. 

It didn't last. 

I spent all of college bouncing back and forth between being "good" for a while and i avoid foods that I know (or think) aren't making me feel healthy and being "bad" and eating whatever i want. It's a challenge to eat what's healthy for you when you're not sure what it is (exactly) and when everyone around you eats "normal food"! I was trying to be better about listening to my body and paying attention to symptoms, hoping to figure out a cause. I wasn't consistent enough with my diet (or my paying attention) to make significant progress. 

Freshman Year

Freshman Year

Sopohmore Year

Sopohmore Year

Mental Stuff

I was still having anxiety, I had xanax as needed. I was scared of new situations (still) but pursued them anyway. I knew that anything i was fearful of, I had the most to gain from. My guts were in knots (basically) constantly. If i didn't have anything to worry about, my brain would come up with something. I hadn't made the connection between food and gut and brain at this time and was not helping myself at all by avoiding the offenders i was aware of.

I also was a CRAZY PERSON in my college relationship. Hindsight is 20/20, let me tell you. I would fly off the handle over stuff that was really not a big deal. I would also fly off the handle (but not break it off) over stuff that was important to me. We did not communicate effectively. Looking back, it's clear to see that it wasn't a good place for either of us. I didn't really trust him but I was so set on "making it work" that I stayed way longer that I should have (fear of failure? not wanting to let go of my first "big" relationship? any and all of the above?). (Spoiler Alert: Mood swings were a symptom.)

Put aside how anxious i just was on a base level as a person, when we would argue i would turn into a monster. Just like yelling and crying and shouting and even wanting to break stuff. I can remember what it felt to be like in that situation. It was terrifying, knowing that it was outrageous behavior and not being able to control myself. It felt insane, like a temper tantrum with adult awareness. Have you ever seen a 2 year old just work themselves up over something simple and not be able to chill out? It's like that but also with defensiveness and shame and embarrassment. I think the word rage is appropriate here. Our poor communication aside, I was also having TERRIBLE nightmares. In Hindsight, it's so clear to me my body was like STOP IT, whether that had to do with the food, the relationship, the stress (probably a combination of everything) my system was operating in overload and everything I was doing was exacerbating it. I take full responsibility for my behavior. I just wish I knew then what I know now about how my lifestyle was affecting me physically and mentally.

We broke up after my Jr year. The nightmares stopped (almost immediately) and I spent the final year of college trying (or not trying as the case may be)  to take care of myself. I had big plans, I was moving to LA.

To Be Continued...

 

 

 

How did this start? (my story part 1)

Looking outside Western Medicine

As a teenager, my step-mom took me to see my first naturopath doctor. Dr Hecht. I was struggling with terrible teenage acne and had tried the traditional route for a couple years. He looked at me and said "you are clearly allergic to milk". It had never crossed my mind that food and skin health were related.

Prior to seeing Dr. Hecht,  I had tried from either a dermatologist or general practitioner: tetracycline (antibiotic), minocycline (antibiotic), retin-a (synthetic vitamin a), accutane (another, very strong vitamin a derivative), benzamycin (topical antibiotic), differin (topical vitamin a derivative), birth control pills (yazmin, orthotricycline, loestrin, microgestin), and more.

Clearly, this wasn't a dermatological issue, it was a symptom that happened to be coming out my face. NONE of the above medications worked, and some wreaked havoc on my guts. 

Contrary to what Dr. Hecht said in our visit, I actually don't think I am allergic to milk. However, around that time in my life, my relationship with food changed. I went from eating whatever I felt like to an "I can't eat that" eater. (Now, I'm more of an "I choose not to eat that" eater.) While it's become an easier part of my life to navigate and one I've ultimately became grateful for, in the beginning it was a challenge. 

My step-mother suggested "try cutting out chocolate, don't drink dairy" and other foods that can exacerbate skin issues. After seeing Dr. Hecht, (and being on every acne medication ever) I reluctantly did my first "elimination diet". I felt terrible about myself with my skin as it was, I wanted more than anything for a clear complexion. I would try anything.

Elimination Diets

I cut out everything, Grains, Beans, Dairy, CITRUS, SUGAR. Basically, i was like "WHAT CAN I EAT?!" My favorites at that time were: pizza, french fries, sugared cereal and candy. 

That summer, I don't even remember what I did eat because I'm sure all i focused on was what i couldn't eat. I also don't remember if it even helped my skin. I was probably a brat about it. (A normal reaction to anyone's first elimination diet) I went back to boarding school that fall and caved with 2-3 weeks left of the diet. You're supposed to add each item back in, ALONE, and over a couple of days to a week to see how you react. 

My downfall: girl scout cookie season. I ate some tagalongs, thereby ingesting dairy, sugar and grains all at once. (the most common offenders, if you are having a reaction from food). I probably had a stomach ache to say the least, I can't remember, i just remember eating the cookies and then going back to life at school as usual. 

More than Physical Symptoms

Around my Junior year at boarding school, I started having terrible panic attacks, followed by depression (I also still had acne). It was pretty intense and came on suddenly. I basically was afraid to do ANYTHING outside my routine for fear that something might set off a wave of panic followed by inconsolable daydreams of irrational situations. I worried at all times. They started having me see a therapist at school. In addition to that I was on at one time or another: klonopin, zoloft, prozac, wellbutrin and lithium. Lithium and Wellbutrin after trial and error, seemed to be the one to get me through my last year and a half of school.

I was still eating whatever I wanted, despite my body and  mind freaking out and my skin not improving, i still wanted a pill solution.

Foods I ate frequently: white rice with salt and butter, omelets (on certain mornings) with white toast, turkey sandwiches on ski days (2-4 of them depending on hunger), pizza, chicken fingers, chicken mcnuggets, french fries, sugared cereal, boxes of swedish fish candy, soda, swiss miss cake rolls, you get the picture. I did eat fruit too but in no way was I eating a balanced diet. I was following the glorious food pyramid we were taught in the 80s, 6-11 servings of grains a day! (nailing it.) I think i ate some broccoli, i tried to like salad. 

I mention this list specifically because this type of food is referred to as the Western Diet. It's high in carbohydrates, processed and refined foods, low in vegetables, healthy fats and nutrient dense foods. It has been linked to: anxiety, depression, acne, obesity, hypertension, diabetes, heart disease, limiting the variation of microbes in the gut, cancers, general inflammation and general chronic health problems, to say the least.

By the end of high school, i still had acne but the birth control had helped a bit. I ate terribly but was learning that more vegetables were probably a good idea. I graduated, still on lithium and Wellbutrin. I'd gotten into a good college and was going to study theatre. I had xanax as needed for when i had panic attacks. Things were looking up. I knew that food was connected in some way to my emotional and physical symptoms but it wasn't "bad enough" for me to actually make a lifestyle change. 

Middle School, pre drugs, (and puberty) clear skin.

Middle School, pre drugs, (and puberty) clear skin.

High School, normal teenage acne situation, on medication

High School, normal teenage acne situation, on medication