I'm currently in this place where I've completely overhauled my life, left my day job in TV production (which I loved for a long time) and am now in a band. It was the most change I've ever caused for myself in my life, ever. It was what I needed. However, via food elimination, metal toxicity and meditation, i'm TOTALLY EXPOSED. Just so sensitive (and exhausted) and raw and open.
SURPRISE! I'm still the same person, even though I've changed environments. I've spent the past 2.5 years trying to just descend into the vulnerability, feel the feelings, sit with the discomfort etc. Along with the health journey I've been on (and how food has definitely played a part in my neuroses), I also have to do the work. not run, not self medicate, just feel it, talk about it, sing it out, whatever. Just be in it.
Right now, I have this instinct and desire to put it down in songs. Writing songs isn't a thing that "i've done" and since i've never done it, i'm not GREAT at it and now i'm just afraid to do it. (or, at least do it and tell anyone). It happens that I have penned a couple for the band but they sort of flew out of me. So, I don't take responsibility for them (see Elizabeth Gilbert's TED talk below). Now i'm actually trying. And if you try, it means you can fail. i don't do failure (well.) Not to mention i work with a bunch of crazy-talented musicians (see how I don't include myself in that category?) so it's scary to bring ideas to them. I'm an expert at judging myself before others even have the chance to do so.
I recently read Amanda Palmer's The Art of Asking. It was amazing for me. For my new year's discovery, I realized i'm just a better version of myself if i'm reading a book. So, I went out to the library and re-upped my card. It was like a sense memory time capsule. I'm from NH, but in LA the library smells exactly the same as all the other libraries ever. It was comforting, I used to hang in them while I was watching my lil' baby bro, also when i babysat for 11 years and when i did work/study in college to earn my keep. I love libraries.
I checked out The Art of Asking, and devoured it last tour. It's so dead on about our self judgments, judgements of each other, fear, vulnerability, honesty and accepting praise etc. I can't do it justice. The rest of my list currently are other works by Brené Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert, in the same theme: Daring Greatly and Big Magic. Each of them tackle the obstacles surrounding creativity, from different perspectives. I think it's what I need to continue learning and growing, just steep in this. Read about it, talk about it, meditate on it, write about it, whatever I'm lead to.
It's been a topic of discussion at ladies night, (and at happy hour, over dinner, at home with my husband...) this vulnerability. This inability to quiet the mind, despite the meditation, despite the honesty, despite support from our communities: the self judgement and quiet hum of discontent with ones self, it's maddening. We're all on our own journeys, we've been coming together for 11 years. The topics have certainly changed, but we're all still there together. She called us "live wires". I loved that. Just raw, feeling everything, it's beautiful but can be very hard to sit with. I keep thinking that it's just a fire i have to walk through, but i have a sneaking suspicion it might not go away. Maybe it'll be less severe, when metal is out of my body and my leaky guts are healed, but i suspect i'll still be sensitive. I'm not sure I want it to, I think I'd just like to have a better relationship with it so it doesn't feel so foreign and volatile at times.