It's been a minute, hello!

I spent a lot of last year eating my feelings, introspecting, avoiding, drinking my feelings, journaling, hemming and hawing, hashing out hypotheticals over and over and finally deciding to approach The Artist’s Way again. I’ve done a lot of healing. I can intuitively listen to my body in regards to diet and lifestyle (i.e. what does my body want right now, what is most healthful, do i need sleep or water or rest/downtime or art.) I can also “get away with” indulging at times. What I mean by that is, because I’m not here to engage with diet culture in labeling food as “good” or “bad”, is that I can indulge in foods i know are not healthful for me and tolerate the consequences, or have minimal backlash from my body and mind. I worked with the Human Garage extensively after working for years on healing protocols like AIP, Low FODMAP, GAPS, SCD and got to this place by my own advocacy and diligence.

Now is the hard part. The energy work.

So, a little backstory: Brahm and I see this chiropractor in LA, he’s a-maz-ing. Not only did he fix Brahm’s physical back issues, he also practices Gonstead Chiropractic which is a whole body, “everything is connected” method. He has done acupuncture and just read our fucking souls to us and been like “cut the shit, and get down to work on yourselves”. (I’m paraphrasing). Way back in like 2013, I would see Rahim to correct when i had first seen a chiropractor who fucked up my neck, (I went in for knee/running issues and left with neck pain). Dr. Rahim got me all straightened out and then we talked a little bit about my food/health connection. He is the one who really got me down the path of diet and lifestyle affecting your whole life, then i delved into the other practitioners who helped seal the deal. After the major amount of my healing of the past 6 years, I had gone into see him for a little maintenance and when he did his check up he could tell that i was physically doing awesome. He was like I can tell all the work you’ve put in, now you have to get you energy right. True to form, everything Dr. Rahim says, hits me 5 years later with an a-ha moment. Same for Brahm, he’ll say something in passing about an observation of how we operate in the world and then 5 years later, give or take, on our own time, we go “oooooohhhhhhhhh THIS is what the fuck Rahim was talking about!” (and then we get irritated that we can’t speed up our own comprehension process.

So last year, I had my a-ha moment about “energy”. And my epiphany was this, (shocker, it may not be news to you, but i’m the last to know about everything concerning who I am as a person) you can’t diet and lifestyle your way out of how you function in the world. It takes another approach, and a LOT of letting go.

Back to where we started: I spent a lot of last year being stressed, unhappy, exhausted from touring, questioning my life choices, feeling undervalued, feeling angry and not knowing how to express it, then hate drinking and eating my way through tours and time off and gaining 30 lbs. (Again, observation not judgement, weight is a tool for me to gauge what my body is doing. I have no “right weight”). I figured out i had to be all in (on me) to let go (of everything). It’s a little bit like “you’ve gotta get up to get down” i guess.

Right now, I lay off the booze for the most part. i try to make loving decisions for my body but i don’t judge the choices i’m making no matter what they do to my body (bloating or gaining or loss). i had to get back to not controlling everything (an illusion anyway) if I was going to address what was fueling everything. MY INSIDES. my emotions, my energy, my attitude, my approach, all of it.

I knew so deeply that step one was journaling. I fucking hated it and every time i got quiet with myself and was like “what do you need?” my inner voice would practically yell “JOURNAL, YOU BITCH!” (so aggressive and bossy…) I would ignore it over and over (and eat and drink) until i finally was like “OK i’ll just bring a journal on tour and fucking WRITE IN IT” (hate-journaling i guess, so angry!) Once I was doing that, it did help me curb some of the mindless or feelings-full consuming i was doing. It did help me figure out some outlets and some needs I had that I wasn’t acknowledging. I began to invest in myself. I pushed forward a lullaby album as an exercise to prove that I didn’t need 7 dudes backing me up just to create. (A story i had told myself because i didn’t go to school for music, and somehow deserved to be here less than they did.) Originally, I thought that starting a side project with Zach would be what I wanted: a creative space with less voices to share my ideas. We planned on using it as a platform for some of the quirkier songs of his that didn’t fit the band, but we could sing together for fun or for feels. What this did for me, was ignite a fire of my own creativity. I already have a band with other voices. I realized i wanted a space for my voice.

With that under my belt, I allowed myself to start writing my own original music, one song at a time. I started collaborating with close friends, also passionate creators, filmmakers who needed something to shoot. I had something for us to shoot, a music video! You take my song, create your vision (practically carte blanche) and let’s just make stuff together. Meanwhile, journaling, walking, talking it out, I decided to start the Artist’s Way again. The last time I did it, i was in a place of “OK I don’t know what I want, but I don’t want what I have right now.” Why not try again? In September of 2018, I decided to (try and) only mindfully eat and drink (less restrictive health wise, but more free and open to what i could learn from my body) while I started the Artist’s Way. I would check in with friends every week, especially my friend Barbara who does an incredible Artist’s Way group. She’s an amazing, insightful listener and gets so excited for the success of others, I can’t recommend her enough.

We moved back to NH in December to start Brahm on his own process of autonomy with our food truck TACOCAT and I wrapped up the Artist’s Way in December. In January of this year, I had a plan for what i actually wanted, a schedule of when I’d be where, and an idea of when to get shit done. (Overview is: DBR album this fall, solo album before the end of 2019 and another lullaby album wherever I can fit it in, all while touring and starting a business.) I went back to LA in January for writing sessions with the band and attended a meditation class of my friend Christina Huntington, she’s a bananas-transformational meditation coach. My words for the year, what came up in the meditation from my subconscious (sort of a mantra or indication of what your goals are) were “go, go,go”, “worth” and “you know”. (i.e. go go go make shit happen, worth as in your voice is WORTH being heard, and you are WORTH the effort of self care, and “you know” what you need, trust yourself, your intuition is correct.) 2018 was the year of introspection, diving deep to get to the root of my behaviors, 2019 is the year of DOING SHIT. And I hope 2020 is the year of rest bc i’m fucking tired.

All of this is to say. I still have nothing figured out.
I know how to make loving choices for myself, I have started exercising again, but only when I want to so it’s not to make my body look a certain way for someone else. I am working on music when i have the energy, which is not a lot of the time but is worthwhile and fulfilling when i do have it. (I can tell because i’m energized not exhausted by it at the right times.) I am playing solo shows, but I don’t want to tour all the time (DBR and then SOLO touring is too much touring) so i’m taking each step with a large dose of, “is this what you want”? I will talk and talk about my process with just about anyone who will listen, and for me, that helps work shit out. I get new ideas from others’ perspectives and from the quiet I can give to myself.

So there it is, where I’m at right now. Always growing always learning, it never ends (which i’m both excited and mad about, when is the finish line so I can take a nap!?)

Here are some books that I read recently and loved. Maybe they’ll be inspiring for you as well:

Love Warrior and Carry On Warrior both by Glennon Doyle
You are a Badass by Jen Sincero
Dare to Lead by Brené Brown
Year of Yes by Shonda Rimes (btw I was already doing this Shonda! but i like your book)
Becoming by Michelle Obama

Core-gasms: and how to get one. (yes, we're going there...)

First things first, this is a no pressure write up. I think there is enough “you’re broken if you can’t achieve orgasm” nonsense surrounding Womens' bodies. I’m merely here to tell you that if you haven’t heard of a core-gasm, that you’re in for a fitness treat. I’m also here to tell you how to achieve one, since none of the information I’ve seen gets specific enough. I’m sure that, just like anything, everyone is different. I’ll cover the basics and you can adjust for your body.

Wait, back up, WTF is a coregasm?
A Core-gasm is an exercise-induced orgasm. It is achieved by fatiguing the core muscles. It is internal, more like a g-spot orgasm than a clitoral stimulation orgasm.

I had my first core-gasm in high school. I was strength training and using the leg up machine, doing straight double leg raises. I try to do my exercises in groups of 10, once I hit 10, I started to feel stimulation. I kept going, aiming for 20 leg raises and around 20-25 I could feel an orgasm coming and I just kept going until it happened. I had no idea that was a thing! Later, I read something about that exact exercise, in Seventeen magazine and it all made sense. (and i was much more eager for rock hard abs...)

I want to share this magic with other women (I've read Men can have them too, but I can’t speak to the specifics.) In my research, to try and explain that this is a thing, I’ve found plenty of articles explaining what they are, but not really any clear instructions on how to achieve one. Most articles say that sometimes, working the abdominal muscles to fatigue will cause the pelvis to convulse (yes, your pelvis is orgasming).

I’ve included exercises for you to try at home. I welcome you letting me know how it goes for you!
(pics are from Pinterest, I didn't have time to do a Becca Murray Photo shoot just for this post)

Leg lifts

Leg Lifts

If you have access to a gym you can use one of these leg raise machines.
I suggest starting in groups of 10 and take a break if you need to. The idea is to fatigue your muscles so (especially if you have a strong core) it may take multiple reps of ten before your core is fatigued enough.

From a standing position, hold yourself up by your triceps (try not to slouch your shoulders into your neck) and raise your legs to a 90 degree position. Lower and raise them for 10 reps. (repeat)

Ab Roller

ab roller

This exercise will tone your abs QUICK and is probably one of the quickest ways to achieve a core-gasm. The important thing with this exercise is holding the correct form, so you don’t hurt yourself. DO NOT try to extend yourself all the way like in the picture right away, you should feel your lower abs engage almost immediately, that should be enough to start.

Start in a kneeling position (put a pad under your knees to cushion them), keep your arms straight and strong as you roll out. Your core should be tight like when you do plank, tailbone tucked, don't stick your butt out. This works your back as well as your abs (duh, your core). Once rolled out in a controlled fashion, use your core to pull you back up. Repeat until you can’t maintain your form any longer.

If you take a break, you may be able to get in some more reps. 

Hollow Hold

Lie flat on your back and while keeping your lower back FLAT against the ground, lift your legs and your shoulders off the ground, extending your arms by your ears.

The proper way to do hollow hold would be to hold this position like plank and gradually try to hold the pose longer over time.

hollow hold

An adjustment on this pose to try for a core-gasm would be to lift your legs straight off the ground about 4 inches. While holding them at that height, spread your legs until your glutes engage (You should feel your butt pull your legs all the way apart) and then bring them back together.

Repeat this action until you feel your lower back lifting off the ground, rest and repeat. (you can put your hands behind your head if you feel your neck compensating for core strength.)

Yoga Ball – Plank to Pike

plank to pike yoga ball

Start in a plank position on a large exercise ball. Using your core pull the ball close to you as you draw your hips towards the ceiling. (Your body should move into a handstand position). Keep your weight on your hands and stabilize your feet with the ball so you don’t fall over. Then roll back down in a controlled fashion back to the starting position.

Repeat 10x, rest and repeat.


After achieving a core-gasm, other exercises may cause you to become aroused if done shortly afterwards. Once your lower abdominals are fatigued, any exercises that engages your core will make it more likely for you to orgasm again, right away. (eg. Plank, Pushups, Pull-Ups)


Human Garage - Spring Update!

This is part of a series. If you haven't caught up on what I'm doing with Human Garage, see the other posts here!

I had my last QurEcology, biochemistry evaluation and began an adjusted supplement protocol back in January. My tests came back that my pH was too alkaline (#healthsohard) and instead of being acidic, where disease can thrive, it's too alkaline, (think too many green juices and salads) that the pH goes in the other direction and the body really works best when in balance, so we're trying to correct that. The test also showed that my body still wasn't breaking down or absorbing carbohydrates properly, nor my protein. When i started that protocol I didn't feel great. I was in another "two steps forward, one step back" phase. I was EXHAUSTED despite all the progress I'd made so far, and I was discouraged. Throughout the protocol, though very slowly and not without emotional struggle, my energy improved, my libido skyrocketed (which to me indicated a healthier gut, as hormone production largely happens in the gut) and my mood improved. I've been able to largely stick to what makes me feel good lifestyle and diet-wise (currently mostly low-carb paleo/keto) I still tolerate more vegetables! no more low FODMAP for me! I also indulge on occasion, even in a grain-full manner. (On occasion!) So, overall I have been feeling good!

Fitness-wise, I've mostly been adding in body weight exercises on the road and yoga while at home. I recently started doing The Bar Method at the insistence of a friend. Despite hating that class/exercise style the last time I tried it (about five years ago), I kind of don't now... The connection I now have with my body and the awareness that comes with that, makes it so much easier to push through parts of class that are difficult. It also means I can make adjustments that don't leave my neck sore for days and the anger and frustration that comes along with that discomfort.

Physically, my hamstrings and abductors feel tight, my neck still holds tension and my jaw is still tight. I wanted to touch base at the Human Garage to see where I'm at and where I can go from here. I'd like to not get bloated every time i have starchy carbs, I'd like to be able to drink in moderation without it inflaming my system, I'd like to be able to engage my core muscles without relying on my neck (a common recruitment pair), I'd like to be able to do 10 pull ups by 12/31/18 and I'd like hard legs and also to eat Chinese food from Fat Dragon on occasion without incident.

Today, I met with Alex for a reassessment. He gauged my walk, and noted that my body is holding alignment pretty well from my previous sessions. He released my abductor near my left knee a little, which resulted in a lot of left side psoas/abdominal convulsions and a LOT of laughing-out the energy. (I'll take a laughing release over a crying one any day! It's just a more pleasant form of release for me...) He suggested that I come in for a fascial flow, a custom release session and then schedule a bio-mechanics session so I can update my exercises (bio-mechanic exercises, see previous posts). During this part of my process, I can still work out as I have been, since this "oil change" type of visit is to maintain the progress I've made while living my "normal" life.

Alex and I also talked about energy and emotional growth. The last time i came by the garage, at their old location, I was picking up supplements before leaving for tour and talked to Garry for a bit. He asked how things were going and I said they were fine, I was on the new protocol and working through the "two steps back, one step forward" part of it. I also felt like there was something blocking my progress, likely energetically. I just felt like there was something I wasn't letting go of, despite my openness and constant commitment to being vulnerable, honest and open with myself and where I was at. Garry suggested that I come in and it would "come out on the table", and we'd talk about it.

However, before I had time to do that, while on tour, I was chatting with a friend of mine in the band Front Country (check them out!). I was asking band/business/tour/travel/lifestyle advice and she suggested I look into codependency, nonchalantly. I was confused bc i'm independent and I always assumed codependency was depending on a person (like someone who can't do anything without their partner.) Well I WAS WRONG! I found out through talking to other codependents, some reading and podcast research that i am definitely, and have always been codependent. I really dove into that information, it felt like such a huge relief to know that my "busyness", my need to prove myself, to pour myself into my work, get all of my self worth from how "good of a job i'm doing" at something, to constantly need to prove I deserve to be alive, while also seeking validation, had a name, a reason and a method of recovery. It was also emotional, to know my whole life I'd thought I'd been doing all these actions to be a good person, and it was likely not serving me or anyone I was trying to save or help (facepalm, and some tears).

That seemed to cosmically be in line with what Alex was saying, about how people, right now are going through a change/growth cycle and if we can stay open to it, it'll be a time of great progression. That is in line with my current experience. It felt like a trail marker/synchronicity to be having this conversation. It also felt exciting, to be on the "right track", to feel like there is relief in site from something that I think has lead me to treat my body in unhealthful ways. (secret eating, alcohol and drug use as a coping mechanism rather than a life enhancing habit, over exercising, not exercising etc. etc.)

On my way out, while scheduling my upcoming visits, and picking up some digestive enzymes and some potassium to help my hydration levels (i feel dehydrated even though i put pink salt in my water and drink all the time, i even have that "tongue crack" that indicates dehydrated digestive system) I met a fellow Human Garage-r. He had read this blog before going to HG and we happened to be there at the same time! It was super cool to run into someone who had benefited from reading my experience. That also felt like a moment of synchronicity! Cheers to being Too-Much-Information for some people, and the right information for others!

Side note: if you've read this and it's helped you out, I'd love to hear from you! Facebook message me or shoot me an email!


Vulnerability Hangovers

When I was young, I was naturally enthusiastic, outgoing and a leader. I was so sure of myself, or at least I remember being decidedly so. But the dark side, the place from where this perceived sorrow lies, is this other memory. A close cousin to the sunny, pumpkin hugging, smiling, laughing and playfully yelling heart, is one who was shamed, called "bossy", teased (by both peers and adults) for being who felt natural to me.

Underneath this calling I’ve never been able to ignore or suppress, is also a deep shame and sense of wrongness for being myself. I’ve been digging into the soil of my, what feels like “not enough”-ness, for some time. This morning, I did a sort of mental journal entry, while lying on a hotel couch, to avoid the sunlight creeping through the bedroom curtain. I came to this sense: Who I Am is not bad or wrong, but, my sense memory tells me that is what I’ve learned and reinforced. Not by everyone of course, but by enough (influential-to-me people) that I have intrinsic confusion about who I will always be, and if that’s actually “OK”.

Of course, as a grown ass woman, I believe that being who I am, naturally, and with love, is amazing. But, there is a curly haired, little girl in there that still apologizes for being loud, boisterous, and “too much” and pays for it by taking over the flagellation herself, every time she lets go of control and has a good time.


It is likely a reason I was drawn to performing. A place where being “big” (grand gestures, projecting your voice and energy) is part of the job. It’s not only necessary, but revered. A place it was safe to be my whole self, in the shelter of a character, or the story of a song. I’ve mused for a bit on the knowledge that singing and humming switch the body into parasympathetic (rest and digest) mode. It chills you out. It makes me laugh, because I think with performance art, people tend to use language like: “talent”, “meant to be on stage”, “born for this”. Maybe I agree, sort of, with the last one. I identify as always having been anxious, high strung, operated in a fight or flight mode and always singing (dancing, performing). Now, I think it’s just something I was drawn to as a method of self preservation, and doing it out of comfort (and love of it) made me proficient at it. So I guess, in that way, I was kind of born into it, rather than for it.


I sometimes wake up sad and second guessing myself when I've have a good time and let go, let loose. I think it’s rooted so far back, in childhood. I'm beginning to understand “Oh... my thing is that I think and feel like everyone is judging me all the time.” It is my default assumption to looks, suggestions, notes, whispers, jokes, and the root of my defensiveness. (It also appears to be a very self-centered assumption, but I assure you it’s a mechanism of self preservation and not narcissism.) SEE! I'M ALREADY ASSUMING YOU'RE JUDGING ME AND THEREFORE EXPLAINING MYSELF.

It’s likely a reason why I try to maintain control of people’s perception of me, by curating. I hear and remember everything, so I can curate. I curate my behavior, language, image, to be “right and good.” (at which point I will be judged, but found right and good, and therefore will have no need to prove that I am.) It is an exhausting charade. 

This self is clearly so strong I cannot suppress it.
I am trying to wade through it, to make sense of it, now with a fully formed (🤞) adult brain, and release the nonsense.




beebe pumpkin hug
becca murray photo

Human Garage Updates!

This is part of a series. If you haven't caught up on what I'm doing with Human Garage, see the other posts here!

After 3 months of supplementation following my QurEcology test results, I have some updates.

I'm able to ingest more fibrous vegetables without pain or symptoms! (something I was hoping and banking on the HG treatment protocol to help with). It seems that getting my body in alignment and releasing tension coupled with intuitive eating is allowing me to expand my diet. This is SO exciting for me because I've missed some harder-to-digest vegetables like brussel sprouts, kale and cauliflower for the past 3-4 years.

I do have more energy... but I think I could still have more. Much of the focus of the supplementation from the test results were to address my poor adrenal function. We also added breath work and additional stress management as this goes hand in hand with supplementation for adrenal recovery.
For those who hear about adrenals a lot and are still not sure "what adrenals do" they're glands that pump out hormones to regulate some systems in your body (heart rate, blood pressure, among other things) and are directly connected to your stress response. So, If you're someone like me who has been stressed or anxious (basically forever) then they can need rehabilitation from being so exhausted and overworked. This is one of the reasons in the beginning of this journey I stopped exercising and am just now able to do more without feeling super exhausted afterwards. I'm interested to see what the adrenal re-test results are.

Not shockingly, due to my symptoms connected with starchy foods, one of the results of my test was carbohydrate malabsorption. One of the continued symptoms that has not waned, is bloating. I am still frustrated that when I eat, I get bloated. I am trying many things to sort this out. I'm still on probiotics. I eat some, but not super large amounts, of fermented foods. I am eating a lower carb diet while still trying to maintain a certain amount (30g+) for adrenal health and healthy hormone production. I am squatting more and trying to gain mobility in my squat (it's been suggested that squatting will relieve pressure and gas from digestion that we as modern people trap because we sit all the time when, as humans, our former resting pose was squatting).
I am not seeing much change yet. My follow up at HG with Dr. Luke, the chiropractor, revealed that my right hip is still really tight and that if I can increase mobility there that it may help ease pressure on my ileocecal valve which hopefully would decrease the bloating. I am also still experiencing symptoms when I eat starchy carbs (so carbs from grains/rice/etc rather than carbs from vegetables). I'm hoping I'll eventually be able to tolerate some, but for now, it's indulge and suffer the consequences.

Remain and may forever remain an indulgence with consequences.

Physically, I've been able to work out more normally (up to my old standards).  My knees are crunchy and poppy so I am at least trying to not aggravate that and keep them working so I can continue to be active in old age. This means not squatting as low, doing burpees slower while squatting down, not running, using my biomechanic neurological exercises if they start to feel loose/wonky.
I am still struggling with motivation. So I am doing what I'm inspired to do, some yoga, stretching, some resistance band training, lifting. I want to be strong and healthy but I don't want to feel like going to an "exercise class" is to look good for someone else, and right now it feels like that. So i'm trying some intuitive exercising, if that's a thing, and trying to gain strength and body love. I am definitely more focused on releasing tension that may be affecting my organ function, that is my first fitness priority. 

Mentally I have been avoiding myself at times. Our tour schedule is tough and being away from loved ones is tough. I still feel like I'm meant to be performing and creating with Dustbowl but I also feel like I should be journaling and I'm avoiding what may come up if I open up to myself. Instinctively it seems like what may be holding me back from more progress. (Supplements, food and exercise can't fix everything! We have to be willing to get uncomfortable.) So, as of yesterday, I'm starting that practice (outside of the Artist's Way) as a way to clear my mind and help me continue to open up my heart. #letitgo

Human Garage, Biomechanics!

This is part six of a series. If you haven't caught up on what I'm doing with Human Garage, see the other posts here!


Session 1

Today was my first biomechanics session with Human Garage, which happens at a gym offsite.

Quad stretch!

Quad stretch!

Coach Yari had me go through a bunch of tests to see how my body moves and which muscles are or are not firing properly. I mentioned the knee pain I sometimes experience that feels like my knees are loose and don't stay in alignment. I sometimes feel pressure or slight pain in my knee in positions that I don't think I should. I also mentioned my neck pain and tension and that I often use my neck to compensate for other muscles and would like to remove that tension. She said my walk looked pretty good, (from all the unwinding at HG) so that was encouraging.

After evaluating my walk and some movements, she had me do exercises to get certainmuscles to fire. These neurological exercises are training my brain to turn on proper muscles so that my brain corrects old patterns of movement.

I have homework to do! I took a video of the exercises that are specified to my issues. I have to do them 3x a day, the more I train slowly my body will start changing and adopting this new way of moving.

One thing that stood out to me, she had me do this sort of superman move, laying on my stomach but my arms back by my sides and pulling my shoulders away from my ears. I did feel a little bit of tension in my traps and I was pulling and stretching them back so I was a little concerned that maybe I was not doing it correctly. BUT when we were finished I didn't maintain that feeling in my shoulders and neck that feels like frustration, or like shrugging...forever. Normally I would, so that was an improvement already!

Session 2!

This exercise increases mobility in the ankle which is important for squat form.

This exercise increases mobility in the ankle which is important for squat form.

Today I met with Ryan. We went back over the neurological exercises and made some adjustments. My knee was feeling a little wiggly when walking down stairs and Ryan switched up the exercises to address that. It really did take care of the instability immediately.

He gave me a bunch of stretches and small exercises that I can do on the road or at home to keep loosening up the tightness and will help me achieve correct form for lifting a load (like in a correct squat position). It also feels like these are a great source of exercise, especially when my food is dialed in, while traveling.

Some of these stretches cause my body to react similarly to when the unwinding was being done at HG. Convulsing or burning sensations (in muscle and soft tissue) will happen if i can relax into the move. This is encouraging because it feels like I'm in control of any forward progress.

Session 3!

Today I was with Ryan again. I was about to leave for a long time of touring and today was the day that he was going to give me a bunch of workout options!

I have posted a couple of these on my Instagram. Because I travel with so much stuff already (food, supplements, life hacking, sleep hacking tools etc.) I wanted to get the most out of body weight and small tool workouts. When asked what my main goals were I said I wanted to be able to lift heavy loads while at home and when there is equipment and I wanted to have hard legs! (Christmas Abbott as fitness inspiration anyone?)

This is what my unassisted squat looks like right now. Not low enough, too far forward, upper body leaned over too far.

This is what my unassisted squat looks like right now. Not low enough, too far forward, upper body leaned over too far.

Ryan showed me some squat prep movements that I can do with resistance bands, and some pulls to couple with that. These will help my body eventually be in the correct position to hold weights and do a proper squat. For instance, one legged squats or kneeling squats with a row. Then on the next day I could pair pushing movements with dead lifts. So I could do a one legged dead lift with a resistance band and then pair that with an overhead press or push-ups. We also went over the stretches that he showed me the session before because I was having some knee pain or discomfort and we adjusted how to do them so that didn't happen.


Here's the exciting part!

  • Since starting at human garage, I've been able to introduce more fiber into my diet with 0 intestinal pain! That includes high fodmap and cruciferous veg! I still can't eat grains or over do it with alcohol without consequence but that just may be how my body works and something I'll have to accommodate forever.
  • I've seen an improvement in my energy levels (likely due to the adrenal supplements) even while feeling tired from touring and having a crazy cold that took/is taking forever to go away.
  • I've been able to get in those workouts around 2x a week and feel comfortable and strong.
  • If I remember to do my neurological exercises, I really notice a difference in my knee (no popping or looseness). So I need to stay on top of them.

I'm about to start phase 3 of my supplemental program. After that I'll be checking in with HG to see what next steps are!


Human Garage, Day 5!

This is part five of a series. If you haven't caught up on what I'm doing with Human Garage, see the other posts here!

Today is my fifth session at Human Garage and I feel totally amazing I feel light, my head feels like it's further back in alignment and my neck isn't really hurting anymore. I'm excited because I get to do my first bio mechanics session tomorrow retraining my body's movement patterns. So that is super exciting! (It can take as little as 5 unwinding sessions to go into biomechanics or up to as many as 8, everyone is different.)

I was with Alex today and this session was just sort of like a general "feeling around for wherever there is tension left". So, we did a lot of calf work because calves are connected to the neck and posterior chain which is where a lot of my tension still is. He used the TheraGun on my calves and I was laughing because it's so ticklish. He worked out a huge knot in my hamstring that I didn't know I had. It was crazy painful and I was breathing through it trying to use what I've learned from all these releases. I did feel some abdominal convulsing as it was releasing and as soon as it let go, a bolt of electricity shot up and around my glute on the left side.

I told Alex that I rolled out my quads when I was in Canada with Dustbowl and wanted to see if it had any effect on the state of that tension. I'd also been doing a ton of emotional and spiritual work to help release it and was so curious if it had helped. He said they felt amazing, really great and so he didn't have to work on them at all. I was so worried it would take a long time to work through all those layers. The knot in my neck is still there but he worked on it for quite a bit and it feels better.

I was curious about why the scheduling of the sessions was so specific and how the package is sold at a discount rather than individual sessions (though, those are available too) to encourage people to go through the whole program. I assumed that if you stopped coming, because you felt better, that it would be such a waste because your old movement patterns would just set you back in your old habits. Alex said when they release the tension in the body and it corrects a lot of alignment, your body doesn't actually regress unless something traumatic or stressful happens like a car accident. Your body might actually hold really well. So, that was interesting and something i didn't really expect. (I would not recommend not doing the whole program, I'm just extrapolating on new information I found out about the body.)

That is why people can come in 2 times over 3 weeks to do the releases (the usual schedule of operations) and daily life won't reset their misalignment. I am on a crazy accelerated track and people keep saying "no one really does it this fast, you might experience things a little differently" and I'm surprised actually at the small amount of brain fog I've had during the process. i have been really tired but I'm just drinking a lot of water and making sure I get enough rest to heal while I'm completing the program. It sort of reminds me of getting rid of SIBO or Chelation and detoxing all that junk.
I forgot to take pics today bc i felt so good i got distracted.


So, Human Garage includes a test within the basic package that I got and it takes urine and saliva samples and tests C protein as markers for things like Carbohydrate Metabolism, Adrenal Function etc. I submitted samples on Day 1 and had my follow up call with them today. I will be honest, throughout my journey I've become skeptical of "all the tests" you can get these days which may or may not really tell you anything about your journey. Some of the offenders I'll mention are microbiome diversity tests (usually a stool test): your bacteria change after a meal, let alone hourly so this test doesn't tell the dr. much that they can already find out from your symptoms. Another test that I don't appreciate is the food allergy test. Unless you are at an allergist, getting a scratch test, taking a test to tell you what foods you're reacting to is a waste of your money. Your reaction can be caused by the level of inflammation you're experiencing from another food and cause you to think you can't eat apples, but it could be the fact that you're eating eggs all the time and now are reacting to apples because your system is all jacked up. The only (current) gold standard for food sensitivities is an elimination diet. I really appreciate that Dr. Ruscio's approach is to get the most information possible from as little testing (and money spending) as possible. Similarly he tries to keep patients on the bare minimum of supplements for the same reason. Some functional medicine practitioners go a little crazy and i think forget that most of this is not covered by insurance and therefore some restraint would be appreciated.
That being said, I wanted to go through the whole HG process and this was part of it so I went in with an open mind, ready to ask questions and stand by what I knew worked for me.

I was actually pleasantly surprised! Asia (the person who walked me through my results) was super familiar with the steps I’ve taken so far. She was like "i don’t want you to introduce anything that you know you can’t tolerate right now but i do want to focus on your adrenals"… (Dr. Ruscio seemed to think my adrenals/thyroid are fine, based on blood tests and I’ve been taking an adrenal support as needed but not in any real long term supporting way. So that could be something that was a missing link.) 


Stuff that kicked up for me (see my results to get the picture) were carbohydrate metabolism (i'm on a v low carb diet), protein metabolism (I need to take a digestive enzyme and i didn't buy more when i ran out last time), adrenal analysis (my adrenals are low functioning, this is not great for my ability to handle stress or have energy and is connected to carbohydrate metabolism which is why the markers are almost neck and neck.) Liver Analysis (I'm doing some liver support but it could use a little boost) and I'm inflamed (shocker!)

I'm willing to do the things she suggested which were to go on a small amount of supplements, mostly ones I'd already be taking anyway like the adrenal support and digestive enzyme with HCL. I also really appreciated that she was like "it’s a challenge because your digestion is giving you issues and what I would like to do to support your adrenals is have you eat more carbs, but a lot of the carbs (not grains or anything) you don’t tolerate well." So i’m going to start taking an adrenal supplement, continue with my lifestyle and diet (and liver support) and just inch up on how many carbs I’m consuming, and see if that will help my adrenals settle down without wreaking havoc on my digestion by adding too much fiber or stuff I know makes me inflamed.

Deep breathing will be added to my lifestyle, i’m not really focusing that as much as I have with meditation, and doing it more regularly will help me stay parasympathetic. Deep breathing will chill me out, which will reduce my inflammation/adrenal/catabolic markers. A lot of her other suggestions i’m already doing: prioritizing sleep, blue light blocking glasses, meditation, light exercise etc.

The big update is that i’m going low histamine diet (in addition to my mostly-keto and low fodmap) to help my body rest and repair. I’ve experienced this being an issue and talked to Dr. Ruscio about it, but I have not committed to doing it because I’ve been so focused on microbiome rebuilding and probiotic foods. 

I do a round of treatment as listed above for 30 days and then we adjust for 60-90 days and then from there there's an ongoing plan. I'm about to leave for Europe so I'll be starting this then, it'll be just over 30 days of travel. No booze in Europe but I've done it before and I really do feel better when I don't drink so I'm sure it'll be easier done than said.

We forgot to take a progress pic this week bc I was so chatty :)

Human Garage, Day 4!

This is part four of a series. If you haven't caught up on what I'm doing with Human Garage, see the other posts here!

This is the first day of the second week of my work with Human Garage. I'm doing 2 weeks with 3 sessions each for the releases to accommodate my touring schedule; as well as make sure the work is being done in a manner that won't regress due to my unavailability.

Today was Neck & Peripheral release with OJ.

He started with my calves bc calves are connected to your neck (and, coincidentally are shaped like the heart muscle AND function as the major leg muscle to return blood to the heart, who knew!) I had some tight knots in there that were pretty uncomfortable. After calves, he worked on some hamstring release. Jordan was also with us almost the whole session, pulling and holding fascia to facilitate tension release.

Now that I'm an old pro at Human Garage, when I go we usually talk about whole body wellness, books and podcasts and personal experiences. This time we were talking about Katy Bowman and her book and a couple of podcasts I've heard her on. She's a movement specialist and has an awesome book called Move Your DNA and it's all about not "working out" but getting your body to move the way it was intended and how that gets nutrients into your muscles, bones, tendons etc. she calls it "Nutritious Movement" and believes there are daily "doses" we need of this movement to actually increase our longevity. She encourages people to walk around without their shoes on so their foot can fully bend and flex. Additionally, OJ mentioned that you pick up information from your feet that your body uses to inform itself about your environment. This is one of the reasons I wear flat shoes with large toe pads so my feet can feel more of the ground and my toes can spread in a more natural way.

After the hamstring attention, he worked on my shoulders again and then got to my neck. My neck has been so tight for so long, it's connected to everything. I engage my neck when it has no business doing anything. This is one example of why the process at HG isn't just releasing tension but also about retraining the brain to stop engaging my neck. It's about breaking the movement pattern. I can remember, playing field hockey in high school and hating ab day because it would hurt my neck so much. My neck would tire out before my abs did. More recently, while working out with Open Sky Fitness, any upper body exercises Rob would give me, I would feel in my neck. It made me feel stressed out, frustrated and cranky. When OJ was releasing these muscles, I felt exactly the same way: irritated, cranky, frustrated and stressed. 

I mentioned on day one that knots in your body form to protect other parts from getting injured, from emotional and physical trauma but I failed to mention another reason. If you're trying to do something, and your muscle isn't strong enough, it will recruit the help of another muscle to do the job. That can cause knots and is yet another reason why the bio mechanical assessment and brain retraining is so important. My neck is engaging whenever I do core work, whenever I do upper body work, it's tensing my neck and my jaw and causing stress. 

Today was my first meeting with Dr. Luke, the Human Garage chiropractor. I have another chiropractor who I usually see but during this process, HG asks you to not get any massages or chiropractic adjustments so as not to interfere with their process. Dr. Luke is similar to my chiropractor in that the doesn't just adjust your whole body. He uses a tool called an activator to make micro adjustments which are only some millimeters rather than large adjustments that you may be more familiar with. A lot of movement patterns knock us out of alignment just slightly, so he focused on areas that felt off. He also uses drop blocks to push through my joints to increase movement and open the joint up. It also allows him to work on a joint without jostling the rest of the body which may or may not need to be adjusted at all. I spoke to Dr. Luke about the reason for coming to Human Garage and he dug around my Ileocecal and Houston valves in my guts to get them to work more properly, he called it "changing the pressure" in my insides. After that we chatted, Brahm came in and then Dr. Luke went over my images to show me how my alignment has changed thus far (all the while, my Houston valve felt like some business was happening.)


Human Garage, Day 3! (Oh, there you go)

This is part three of a series. If you haven't caught up on what I'm doing with Human Garage, see the other posts here!

I will say in this post, that during this series I am not going to be able to remember the names of all the muscles that are worked on each session. I'll talk about general areas of release and focus more on my experience and the effects of the releases.

Today I met with OJ and we did Shoulder Release.


I talked with him about the neck pain I've been having if i turn my head to the right and look down towards my armpit. I think I slept on it wrong after the last tour and it's been sore ever since. He got in and around my arm sockets today, on top, in the front and around the back. He said my subscapula is very tight. A lot of the releases I felt up my neck, up behind my ear and into my jaw. A couple times i'd feel it in my hips, mostly my right hip. I'm not surprised, since I store tension in my neck and feel stress in my neck. Ever since Garry released my jaw I've been more connected to my awareness of tension in my jaw. I know I grind my teeth from when I saw the holistic dentist before I started Chelation. Bruxism or teeth grinding can be a symptom of a number of things including stress and low blood sugar.

i felt stressed. It felt almost like frustration, a sense of urgency for the session to be over, but not painful, impatient. The connection I make is that if you store information in the muscle, when you release it, you have to actually feel it to let it go. I could sense myself trying to avoid the discomfort and my mind would wander. So noticing that, instead, i would really breathe into it and try to relax and allow the discomfort. I was even saying to myself to "relax". Then, when i did that, OJ was like "oh, there you go" (a common theme at Human Garage, and also an inside joke because it's said so much) so it really did seem like the more i could connect my mind to the relaxing the emotion or control, the more the muscle did relax. 

My right side is tighter than my left. It could be from being right handed, or OJ suggested that if I hold the mic with that hand while singing I should try to be conscious of not over extending that arm to do so. The following shows I was much more aware of this and tried to either hold the mic less (and just open my eyes so I don't hit myself in the face) or hold it and tuck my arm into its socket.

Look at how long my neck is in the most recent pic!

Look at how long my neck is in the most recent pic!

I'm really enjoying my time at the garage. For one, it's not terrible to have a ton of time getting my body worked on. It may be intense but it really is like the ultimate massage. I do wonder what it's like for people that come in that don't have the experience I have had, spending the last 4 years tuning into my physical and mental state. I don't know if I would have been able to handle this process as easily and as fully, back in 2004. The yoga, meditation, lifestyle and diet practices I have learned and adopted, allow me to be super aware of bodily sensations and to sit in the discomfort and focus on the mind body connection. I wouldn't discourage anyone without that experience from going to Human Garage but I would encourage people to lean into the process, despite previous experience. Open your mind if you think that "health/wellness stuff" is "woo woo" because it really will make realigning easier.

It's also been really fun to get to know everyone working at the garage. So far everyone I've met came in with their own injury and just never left.

I maintained the alignment that I gained after the Core Release session with Alex. I do feel like i'm walking around like a skeleton animation on the Discovery Channel. I have so much swagger and it feels like i'm standing in a power position. It does have an effect on me mentally and emotionally to feel so open and tall.


Human Garage has supplements and other goodies for sale in the lobby area, essential oils to test out, water bottles that double as foam rollers. I've been using the essential oil sampler of the "heart chakra" oil, each time I leave, to help facilitate the release of what i'm holding on to. I was thinking, too, when i went to sleep last night about how the real task is to let go. It's been my goal for years to learn how to do that, to let go of emotional baggage, of judgement, of past transgressions, shame etc. I was thinking about what that really means, and it came up in my Live Awake meditation (one of my favorites is called healing through letting go) and it struck me.

Letting go = forgiveness. 

Forgiving myself for feeling the way I do, for being stressed or impatient or bloated or controlling. Forgiving others for being who they are, forgiving myself when I'm annoyed by another. Deciding in the moment what that forgiveness means and looks like is part of the challenge but it's at least a mindset and practice. It's been something I've latched onto. I keep talking about how I want to change, to not feel "this way" (depending on the moment and or feeling) but what have I done to change my situation? Lifestyle and diet aside, how can I expect to change if I don't change my daily habit or re-train myself how to respond to stressful stimuli? It's something I'm adding to my tools. Hopefully less circumstances will lead to an "issue" at all if I can lead from a place forgiveness.

Human Garage, Day 2!

This is part two of a series. If you haven't caught up on what I'm doing with Human Garage, see the other posts here!

Today was my Core Release day with Human Garage.

I was with Alex, a motion mechanic I hadn't met yet. He started our session by sort of assessing where I was at after the last time. This session was definitely not as emotional as yesterday but he did go back over some of the areas they worked on, trying to release more. Especially in my quads because there's still a lot of tension in there and he mentioned that it was a lot like peeling back layers. They took away a layer yesterday and he got some more release today. They're incredibly sore, but that's sort of part of the process. That they just go over and over the area until the release happens. I did feel like in the tightest part of the left quad, some of the same burning sensation up and around my back (perhaps my psoas on the left side) and also the burning sensation sort of near the intestinal area and hip area on the left side similarly to what i felt on the right side, last time.

We talked about how I was feeling and what I was hoping to get from my work with Human Garage. He had read my file and was familiar with what I had said upon my initial consultation, he also had Jen's notes from the previous day, but he also asked me.

mood lighting

mood lighting

I was really struck and impressed by this. One of my issues with the western medicine machine is that everything is so separate. You see a neurologist for issues with your brain, a psychologist for emotional issues, a gastroenterologist for your gut health etc. In my experience it is rare for these doctors to work together in an efficient manner to get to the root of a problem. Many emotional consequences come from your gut health being out of whack. But if you go to a psychologist for anxiety, they are likely not going to tell you to examine what you're eating or to test you for leaky gut, despite the fact that it could be causing your anxiety. It was cool to see these practitioners, working on different parts of my body, within the same business, really communicate with one another in the way that I hope more MDs will. It means they're more likely to catch connections between body parts or symptoms.

Alex worked on my core, but it mostly felt like he was working on my guts. I laid on my back, he'd put his hand on the right side of my abdomen (actually, near the ileolcecal valve), have me breathe and just sort of let my body allow his hands to go deeper in my abdominal cavity. It wasn't difficult for him to dig around in my guts and I don't know if that's because I'm really open to healing that part of my body or I'm not very protective of it. It felt like a very non invasive way of releasing the muscle. Then he did the left side. It felt like I had bubbles in my stomach or intestines. I was actually surprised that him working on the front of my abdomen didn't make me need to go to the bathroom. Usually when someone rubs on your guts, it makes you have to poop!

He worked on the muscles between the ribs. He worked on the back which felt like the upper psoas (the psoas wraps up around to your spine). It was pretty tight but didn't really hurt when he released it. It was easy to chat with Alex the whole time. We talked about how he got started at Human Garage. Like a lot of the practitioners I am familiar with in functional/natural/gut centered health he had his own journey of healing that led him to become a practitioner. (Other examples are: Garry Lineham, Dr. Ruscio, Sarah Ballantyne, Chris Kresser, the list goes on...) These people educated themselves and then chose to share their knowledge to help heal others.

The last thing to release was the diaphragm. The rest of the core release allows the diaphragm, once released to really allow you to breathe a full breath. All the sitting we do and shallow breathing we do prevents us from taking those healing, relaxing and oxygenating full breaths.

When he was done with my core (of all the release days, it's the shortest, i was done after an hour and a half or so) he went back to my legs and got them to release a little bit more. I asked if there was something else I could be doing to make sure that I was letting go of it all. It was really difficult, in the face of the extreme discomfort, to not tense up the rest of my body. He said that I was doing it, just breathe and try to relax. It's about stretching my legs and focusing more on the mental aspect of what am I storing in there? what am I holding onto? what are we breaking down and what are we trying to let go of? I do leave feeling a lot lighter and I do I notice a difference in the way that I'm walking for sure. 

At the end of the session he had me walk it off and i felt like i was walking around with my chest puffed up. I felt very powerful and joyful. I was smiling. As a woman and as a sensitive person, I feel like i walk around very physically closed off and hunched over. I had a swagger to my walk from the core release, my hips were swinging in opposition to my arm. I felt great. 

I did talk with Alex a little more about the overall Human Garage process today and about how the process of unwinding is the first step in realignment. They remove the tension from muscles and fascia and then you go into biomechanics sessions where your movement is assessed and you're given exercises to help your brain re-train your movement patterns. I understood the overall idea of Human Garage, but every day that I go, and we chat while on the table, I gain a little bit more understanding.

Human Garage, Day 1!

I started my sessions with Human Garage yesterday!
If you missed my introduction on what they're up to, you can read about it here. 

The entrance to Human Garage is in the alley off of Washington Blvd in Venice. 

The entrance to Human Garage is in the alley off of Washington Blvd in Venice. 

My goals in working with Human Garage are to get my body in the right position so that it's able to heal itself. Misalignment is causing some mechanical issues with my gut and digestion, not to mention make me prone to injury if I exercise. I hope that through working with Human Garage I'll be able to eat more foods with less discomfort and reduce or eliminate bloating after eating. I hope to be able to lift heavier weights. I'm currently experiencing some weird knee sensations and pressures which feel like bone on bone, due to being misaligned. If Human Garage can get me back in a righted position, I'd be able to lift weights without the fear of harming myself.

At my visit we began the first of 6 sessions designed to un-wind my body: Lower Release. They start from the bottom up (legs first) because that method has proven to be the most effective in releasing tension from our bodies. (We walk from our hips, feet first.) Starting with the legs allows the rest of the body to unwind (release tension from our muscles and fascia) easier.

My practitioner was Jen, they call her "gentle Jen" because she is not. She greeted me with a hug (they're all huggers at Human Garage, I love it) and led me to the massage table. We talked a little bit about how the process would go and why they start with lower release first. She started with my calves and ankles, feeling for knots in my fascia and tension in my muscles. Unsurprisingly to me, my body is tight, likely from years of sports but also emotional stress. I came prepared for pain, ready to breathe through the discomfort and "lean in" to the process. She worked on my calves and at one point reached for a tool they call a "TheraGun" it's a drill-like tool that has a rubber ball at the end. The ball vibrates against your muscle making it easier for the practitioner to release the tension. (Side note: I'm not sure if you're aware of this but we don't actually have "knots" in our muscles. What feels like a knot is actually the brain telling that muscle to fire and hold tension, either to protect a part of the body or from stress or trauma. Fascia can have knots, but even that is a misnomer. The "knot" is really a bundle of fascia stuck together. Each of these points of tension can be released with stretching and massage techniques.) After my calves were sufficiently released, Jen worked on my shins.

Most of the massage/acupressure/tension release is done manually. It feels like a really deep tissue massage. They break up the sessions into 6 and schedule the appointments 2 a week for 3 weeks. This is so you don't go too long between sessions and re-tense any of the areas they're working on. No massages, chiropractic appointments (outside of Human Garage) or working out is allowed during this time. The point of the  protocol is to break down the tension in your body, allow it to right itself (alignment speaking) and then train your brain to keep you in that position, not fall back into old patterns of movement. Exercising, massage or chiropractics could interfere with that process and so HG has learned to tell clients to refrain during the realignment process. Walking and light stretching is encouraged.



So far, calves and shins, weren't so tough to sit through. Some of the tense muscle release even made me laugh, the TheraGun was especially tickling. Following the shins, Jen rearranged me to lie on my left side with my right leg at a 90 degree angle (and bent knee) resting on a cushion. This was to make my adductor muscles accessible. I know that these muscles and my hips are pretty tight. I have a hard time sitting cross legged on the ground with my knees not high up in the air. I can't sit in lotus position in yoga without pain because my tight hips put too much pressure on my feet, resting on my calves or thighs. While releasing tension in my adductors I was doing a lot deep breathing. It was painful close to my groin and even more so closer to my knee. I was noticing some sensations during this part of the session. I would tremble and convulse the more I relaxed and let the tension dissipate. (Sometimes, when I give my dog a massage he does this. When I'm rubbing his neck he'll tense up and breathe heavily while his muscles shake out the tension.)

So, she's working on my adductors, I'm shaking and breathing and doing my best to relax or "lean into ;)" the tension as it's releasing. The muscles with a lot of tension sometimes release in layers. So as the first round of tension is letting go and she's getting deeper in there, i start to feel shaking and tension release in other parts of my body. I could feel it in my lower back (perhaps lower back or psoas muscles) and i also felt this burning sensation in the right side of my abdomen. It felt like soft tissue, not muscular. it felt the way scar tissue burns when you massage it to break up. I was reminded of my consultation visit with Garry (owner and founder of Human Garage). He spoke about how my muscles and fascia were pulling my organs out of alignment and that tension was affecting my ileocecal valve and mechanically holding it open. (I know that area is prone to issue from my colonoscopy.) The area that was burning was right where my ileocecal valve is located. Even thought it was uncomfortable, it was encouraging to feel like the tension release in my hip muscles would relieve my gut of that tension. 

From adductors, Jen moved on to lower psoas and quad muscles. Lower psoas wasn't so bad. It's really tight and it was uncomfortable so I just kept focusing on relaxing my body and breathing deeply. Breathing does two things in an instance like this: it will tell your body to relax, that this is a position it's meant to be in and allow the muscle to release and it also chills you out. The instinct is to tighten up, resist and hold your breath to bear down on the pain. But, (and i'm sure this is a metaphor for the mental aspect that Human Garage is also teaching) resisting will only maintain the pain and keep everything all jacked up. So, I'm doing my best and Jen starts on my thigh muscles, my quadriceps. When I first took a yoga class in around 2006, i remember hating it. I was in warrior 3, I think, and I remember my eyes leaking and feeling like I was going to cry because of the emotional surge I felt, connected to my thigh muscles. I was prepared for this at Human Garage. I feel like the last 4 years of my health journey, my relationship with myself, with meditation, with learning to let go (i said learning...), with sitting in the discomfort that life delivers, prepared me to find Human Garage and sit through this... the thigh release. Knowing that I store my feelings in my body (read: everywhere) I was mentally prepared to cry on this table. Jen starts working on my thighs and it's like i have three calf sized "knots" or spots of tension. And they. are. fucking. painful. I'm not shaking at this point, I'm basically lamaze breathing and spontaneously convulsing. I was trying so hard to relax into it but would feel the opposite side of my body tense up. It was hard to tell if I was tensing or if the tension was involuntary connection to other muscles like my lower back/psoas and hips.

Jen had Garry's son Jordan come over who also works at Human Garage doing fascia work, to hold/pull the fascia in my lower leg while she worked on that thigh. My eyes were watering, my lips were quivering and I just sat in it. I was tense, breathing heavy and trying to just feel what was coming up. Jen told me to try and name what I was feeling, that if my brain could identify it, it would actually help the muscle to release. A way of exorcising the emotion out of the muscle. Ironically, I was having a really hard time identifying it. It definitely felt like frustration, maybe some fear and a little sadness. I started thinking about high school and when i first started having panic attacks. It felt like I was scared and alone and no one really knew how to help me. It felt a little bit like the sadness that comes along with and lingers after fear has come and gone. It also felt like the control you seek when you're scared. Like you'll do anything to maintain the power position and relieve the feeling. I have felt this in moments of panic, I have felt this in the aftermath of a break-up, that urge to call the one person you know you can't, the inability to speak when your mind is in panic mode and you're flipping through your brain files, for a way out. It sucked. And that was only the right leg. I did my best the whole appointment, to talk through what I was feeling. Mostly so I could make sure I was articulating it. But also, if i said it out loud, then Jen would sometimes be able to tell me why something was happening or what it was. During this emotional moment she encouraged me to let it out. She tried to get me to name it. I tried to talk through what it kind of  felt like and what i thought it was.

Then we moved on to the left leg. This one was even worse! I tried to take what I had learned from the right leg and really breathe into it. I tried to stretch my left leg longer rather than tensing up my body. I started laughing uncontrollably and saying that it hurt SO MUCH but i couldn't stop laughing. Jen asked if I wanted her to back off, but I said no. It felt like this was my penance. That the pain hurt going in, so it had to hurt going out, and I wanted it out. i want to exorcize the control and the attachment and judgement from my body and I don't think it'll go easily or quietly. Soon, after laughing my head off, I was mouth in a grimace, eyes squinched shut, silently sobbing. I kept thinking about something my therapist said to me back just before I was leaving my day job to do music. It was about me not having to do everything. She said "you think that if you didn't do everything, you'd cease to exist". I have this connection to "actions speak louder than words" so, if I'm not the friend I feel I am inside, and I don't show up for things, or take time for myself, or lead by example, then who am i? How can I exist outside of how i live my life? and Isn't living my life through action?

Remembering that while i'm feeling all this conflict and pain and sadness and frustration i say to myself "you are afraid if you feel this, if you let go of control, the pain and conflict, that you will die, you will break." I'm not exactly sure what it means or how to approach it but it felt true. I do have a terribly hard time letting go of things, emotionally speaking. I will circle around something I've done or said or felt and just hold onto it and revisit it over and over, looking at it from all the angles. It's a bit OCD, which I've written about before. I want to yank that part out of me. I want to live life easy and let things go and not get upset or angry or scared or sad or attach my self worth to the job I do and I'm not sure how to do it. How to release that. I think this is one more step in that direction. Meditation, self reflection and awareness, as debilitating as they can be some times, were also steps.

After Jen worked on my legs, she did my lower psoas and hips and then she put my ankle, knee and hip joints on these blocks to push through them and make sure they were opened up and working properly. Then she had me walk it off. As quickly as the emotions came, they were gone. I felt lighter. I also felt like i had someone else's legs on my body and wasn't sure that I could walk, or that I was re-learning how to walk. My feet felt like they were striking and rolling correctly. We took another photo to track my adjustment process.

I spent the rest of the day with friends and my husband. I felt sad. I felt open, vulnerable and exhausted. I was introspective and tried talking it through. I'm going to spend more time mulling this over. We'll be revisiting my thighs at later release sessions, lucky me, until they're done. So I'm sure there's more to learn from this. 

Because of my tour schedule, I'm cramming all 6 sessions into two weeks. But will be writing and reflecting on them over time. Stay tuned for the next visit which I'll be posting about soon!


From just one visit, you can see my right shoulder is more aligned, my head isn't leaning as far forward and I look high AF.

Exciting New Steps!

I haven't written an update on my next steps regarding inability to re-introduce more foods without symptoms yet. I've been waiting to see how a couple things go. The initial plan was to do another round of SIBO antimicrobials and anti fungals before deciding if I was going to go on low dose Naltrexone or Fluconazole for either fungal overgrowth or reduction in auto-immune symptoms. That plan is on the back burner for now. I saw minimal improvements after doing the 2nd round of SIBO supplements and thought it best to stick to the diet and lifestyle habits I knew worked and save money for a bit.

Fascia magnified 25x!

In the meantime, I've been doing research into other reasons why it seems my health progress has stalled. I heard a bit about abdominal adhesions and how those can cause SIBO to persist. I don't have recurrent SIBO but it did make me curious about the possibility that adhesions were preventing my organs from functioning properly (specifically digestive organs). Simultaneously, Brahm was learning about fascia via The Melt Method. Fascia, the connective tissue under our skin, holds all our organs in place and communicates with the brain about the state of the body. Adhesions in fascia can be caused by physical (like an accident or fall) or emotional trauma (stress, depression etc.). (mind blown emoji)

Knowing that fascial release was something I'd been looking into, Brahm sent me this podcast about The Human Garage. It's a local spot that focuses on getting our bodies and minds in alignment. They use techniques like facial release, massage, chiropractics, nutritional adjustments to set your body right physically and mentally.

After listening to Garry Lineham, founder of The Human Garage on the The Bledsoe podcast, describe what they do I immediately reached out for a consultation. This felt right. Why when i have inflammation in my body is my neck super sore? Why can't i sort out my bloating symptoms? Eating such a limited diet is working as a tool to get my body to chill out but doesn't seem like it's supposed to be how i live forever. The Human Garage seemed like the key to unlock what was preventing my body from healing completely.

Oh, Hello!

I went in for my consultation in June. Garry and I hit it off right away, we've had a very similar journey and if how well he's doing is any indication of where I'll end up, I am stoked! We talked about my diet and lifestyle changes and how I've stalled on progress. I know from my work with my chiropractor that my spine isn't blocking off any communication from my spinal cord to my organs but we have never adjusted any of my musculoskeletal alignment, tight muscles or fascia pulling my bones out of perfect skeletal alignment. One of the first parts of the consultation, after the initial chat was examining my posture. As you can see from the images, my top half leans to the right and my hips twist to the left. I'm doing a fairly good job at keeping my ears over my ankles but to make that happen, I'm leaning back and pushing my hips forward. That explains why i'm always standing in first position!

Garry and I talked about my history of Crohn's symptoms and the ulcers they found near my ileocecal valve and that i have discomfort but not sharp pain in that area. He used an iPad app to show me the muscles in my hips and how they're pulling on my soft tissue. He said that I've made great progress with lifestyle and diet but the issues i'm having now that are persisting are all mechanical. Yeah. MECHANICAL. My hips are so tight they are pulling on my skeleton, which is pulling my organs and fascia and my ileocecal valve is being held open by my body. Mind Blown.
I knew that there might be a physical component to my healing but I had no idea it could be that integrated.
I stretch! I exercise! I'm strong! I don't have weird physical pain unless i treat my body like a garbage heap! I was sold, this was game changing piece information. Garry also explained how my bloating was a mechanical issue, neck pain seemed obvious...

He wanted to give me an example of how simple physical manipulations could cause huge changes. He adjusted my jaw to show me how just that tension can affect the whole body. He stuck a gloved finger into the back corner of my jaw muscle and applied pressure. While he was doing that he told me to lightly stroke my right thumb from pad to first knuckle. That would signal to my body to relax (the pressure he applied was uncomfortable and I was doing my best to breathe through it.) Then, at the right moment I was to stretch my right arm above my head and towards the back wall and rub my stomach in a clockwise (to me) circle and that would reduce the intensity of the pressure in my mouth. (I tested this, it really worked.) My eyes were tearing during the adjustment and I had a small emotional release while he explained how it worked. Afterwords I felt super calm, and a little high. He adjusted both sides of my jaw and then I walked around to see how it affected my posture. Not only am i standing straighter just from my jaw but i had better blood flow to my brain and i was striking the ground properly in my stride.

Before // After

Before // After

Before // After

Before // After

Before // After

Before // After

You can see that my alignment improves and even though I look drunk, you can see that my jaw is more relaxed in the close up as well as my skin tone shows better blood flow to my brain. (Though i'm used to seeing my cheek bones popping out like on the left, the picture on the right is my correct facial alignment. I looked less sleepy, eventually).

Energy and Emotions

Besides physical alignments, The Human Garage also does bio-mechanical assessment, for instance how many of the nutrients that I'm eating, am i actually absorbing? (My guess, not as many as I should be.) I'm also curious about how this work will affect me emotionally and creatively.
I have done energy work twice before with my friend and neighbor Riss, from Energy Mechanic. The work she does involves using crystals and chakra manipulation. (This may sound woo woo but there is now scientific evidence that meridians exist. So if it works for you, I say do what you need to do.) During her work, I had my eyes closed and felt different emotional surges and physical sensations even though she wasn't touching my body, just manipulating the energy above my body. When she was working on my most blocked chakra, my sacral chakra, it felt like I was having intense period cramps even though I wasn't anywhere close to having my period. I also felt an emotional surge and release, like an urge to cry or tension like anxiety. After that session, I felt super creative. That next tour I felt like Whitney Houston. I had a much easier time singing new vocal melodies, getting out of my head and improvising. I'm excited to see how working with The Human Garage affects my performance and writing with the band.

I signed up right after my consultation. They like to do 2 sessions a week for three weeks to make sure the alignment adjustments stick. Since I'm rarely home for that amount of time, I'm doing 3 sessions for two weeks at the end of July. I'll be documenting each visit here so you can see what they do and how it affects me. Stay Tuned!

The Mind Gut Connection

I've talked a little bit about my mental health on this blog. I have a history of anxiety and depression that has become very manageable via lifestyle and diet. As a teen, I was on prescription medication and re-introduced some of them in my early 30's when I needed some help. Chemical intervention has periodically helped me see solutions more clearly and be able to function through times when my biological chemistry is off.

I've learned on my journey, a lot about the science behind the mind-gut connection and why it was so important for me to get my gut healthy again. 95% of our serotonin is produced in the gut, if it's healthy. I've seen first hand the repercussions of an unhealthy gut when I indulge in food and lifestyle choices that don't serve me. My symptoms are heavy on the mental and emotional side with some bloating, pain and weight gain on the physical side.

A theme that's been popping up in my life recently has been OCD. I've been acutely aware of my tendencies for skin picking and nail/cuticle biting flaring up around times of stress and deviations from "my protocol". I'm familiar with depression and anxiety flaring up around eating foods I know I'm reactive to. Experiencing heart palpitations, skin flushing, lack of patience and being moody is nothing new after a period of indulgence. Conversely, it's also no surprise that when i'm in the self-care "zone", that I feel more at peace, am able to withstand stressful situations without experiencing anxiety and even wake up joyful.

I'm in a constant state of checking in and reflection these days. I check in with myself before and after eating. This really helps me make sure that I'm giving my body what it needs and not something I'm using to distract or numb myself.  It also means that I can indulge in a positive way and ideally prevent repercussions from poorly timed cravings.

That being said, I'm not a robot. While I do try to avoid serious (for me) offenders like grains, indulging does mean having something that is likely to have some sort of negative effect on my system. So, in my reflection this week I wanted to share what I've noticed about myself.

I have always been a nail biter and skin picker. When I had acne, i would pick my face, compulsively and without awareness and without being able to stop until i "got" what i was going for. Picking leads to scarring and long enduring red marks. The feeling was one of control and relief. The same goes for nail picking and biting, it always felt like I just "needed to get the one hangnail/piece of cuticle/dry skin" as if it were an imperfection I could fix. My hands and face, red, sore and bleeding would not be enough get me to stop. 

As an adult, I try and resist these urges. I get acrylics if my nails break. I travel with lotion so my cuticles don't get dry enough to pick. (And if they do, i still mess with them.) When I am out of balance, either from stress, lack of sleep, lifestyle or food, these habits come back in full force. (Of course, weather is no help for hands that tend to dry out.) When my defenses are low, these habits emerge and with them comes my old, defenseless sense of self. How embarrassing it is to have thumbs that look like I stuck them in a Vitamix, or parts of my scalp that are nearly bald from the scratching at an old scab. I never thought of myself as having OCD, not in any real way. Only in the way that getting things right and that having acute attention to detail at work makes you a rockstar, did I associate with obsession. Obsession to be awesome! ;) But I do see, now, the obsessive tendencies in these behaviors and even now realize them in my old work habits. (emails causing anxiety, perfectionist tendencies, wrapping up self worth in the job I was doing.)

Don't get me wrong. I am not suggesting that if you change your diet and get enough sleep that it would cure all occurrences of depression, anxiety, OCD, ADHD/ADD etc. I'm just sharing that in my case, it made a huge difference (almost all the difference) in the presentation of my genetic predisposition to be "mentally out out of order" when my body is out of whack. I was able to function with coping mechanisms, off of pharmaceutical medication, when I made changes to my life/diet that healed my gut (and therefore affected my brain chemistry.)

Gut Health literally affects brain chemistry. Eating what is right for me and practicing self care, helps me maintain a state of mental wellness. What does that mean (for me: keto food, 8.5+ hours of sleep a night on a consistent schedule, low alcohol consumption, self examination and stress management practice).

When friends or family members mention their mental distress I always encourage them to look at what they're eating to see how their gut health may be affecting their mental health and mood. Remember, something you've eaten for a long time without noticing symptoms doesn't necessarily mean that you are tolerating that without consequences. The body will adapt and adjust to the environment you create for it. An elimination diet is a sure way (and the only gold standard, not any "allergy test") to reset what you know you can tolerate and serves your body best. I only now experience some symptoms like heartburn and intestinal pain/cramping, now that I've removed foods and then re-introduced them. Only once my body had time to experience relief did I notice the discomfort I was causing myself.

I've been reading more lately about the gut as your second brain, it's fascinating the science that continues to roll in. The microbiome is proving to control so much more about our emotional and chemical states than we previously ever understood.

Here are some links and books about the Brain-Gut connection if you want to learn more:

Looking Back at Being Tired

Brahm and I take walks in the morning when I'm home and off a tour schedule. I was remarking a couple days ago at how easy it felt to hike through the Silver Lake hills. Only a year ago, it was still really difficult. I had to time the walks just right after eating, or make sure the walk wasn't too long or hot, or it would shut me down. TO WALK. I don't think that (even) my immediate circle even really understands how taxing daily tasks were that recently.

Brahm asked for an example of when I last remembered not being tired, before now, and I said I could literally not remember a time in my life that I wasn't tired all the time. I know that kids are tired, stay up too late etc. but I really can't remember a time that I wasn't exhausted during first and second period, needed a nap after lunch (especially after lunch! #lunchables), being exhausted at the end of a school day, struggling through practice or rehearsal, sleeping half the day away on the weekends. I'm learning now that is not normal; common, yes, but not a sign of a healthy body, especially a young, strong one. (Side note: food is supposed to energize the body not put us to sleep!)

Exercising a year ago was virtually impossible and it's been three years since I've prioritized fitness. I've only this past year started doing walks more regularly and making it to yoga. Very recently I've started adding in what I like to call "micro workouts" I can't always rally myself mentally to attend a class but I want to get stronger now that I'm feeling up to it. When I'm home (or at sound check, or getting gas for the vans) I'll do body weight exercises like walking lunges or squats or jumping jacks. It may seem like too little to make a difference but you'd be surprised! Two months ago I could do one military push-up (arms beside your body, not out like a "T"), now I can do 10. I've been focusing on core strength. Two months ago I could hold plank for 60 seconds, now I can to ab roll-outs. At home, with access to weights, I'll do walking lunges with a kettle bell or use our pull-up bar while i'm just watching TV or hanging out. Throughout the day, it adds up.

I've followed the advice of other Autoimmune wellness experts and taken things as I can handle them. I'm slowly getting stronger and am able to do more than I was before. I now feel like I'm operating in a 3 steps forward (rather than 2) - one step back, motion. This past month I was home a lot and definitely pushed my abilities to the limits in terms of socializing, alcohol, sleep and food, but I'm OK. I use tour to really cut back (livin' on a budget) and nourish myself, focus on sleep and what my body really needs. At home I try to do that but the temptation of seeing friends and having access to tastier food than what I travel with is challenging to resist.

I'm grateful to have my fatigue level as poignant point of reference. A lot of the other health progress I've had has been slow and almost imperceptible at times in improvement. My fatigue level has been a strong indication of my wellness level. Even though its terrible to be tired, I'm grateful that I'm sensitive enough to have symptoms indicate to me when something is off.


SIDE NOTE: my skin has (finally) improved dramatically. Here are some pics to compare to when I was doing the AIP diet.


SIFO? and constantly making changes.

I've been doing great since March, as I mentioned in my last post. However, starting around November it was more of a challenge to maintain a state of wellness. It's difficult to stay on top of all the moving parts that keep me feeling my best, especially in times of financial or physical (working late, etc.) hardship. I found that my body was inflamed and was more difficult to "chill out" than usual. (For me, this means I'm low-level bloated after eating almost anything, my eyes are puffy and tired looking, I'm sluggish, brain foggy and prone to be moody AF.) I was taking the supplements that usually helped me to reduce inflammation, doing my diet (fairly well) and maintaining lifestyle interventions. In all transparency, towards the end of the year, the issue was that I'd indulge in something (maybe more alcohol than usual or starches I usually stay away from) and then before I could "chill out" my system (which usually takes a week, for me) I'd have something else and the cycle would continue. 

Because the diet that makes me feel great (right now) is so limited in variety, I also had a suspicion that maybe we hadn't completely solved the puzzle. I'd cleared SIBO in 2015 (we tested 3x and besides, the diet I consume would mitigate any remaining imbalance there). I haven't been able to reintroduce anything beyond greens, cucumber, limited amounts of tomatoes and avocado and small amounts of fermented foods into my diet. For the sake of my quality of life, I'd like to be able to tolerate some more foods, mainly vegetables. It would really make eating out more fun and tasty. Not to mention, while greens are packed with vitamins and minerals, I'd like to get a wider variety from other foods.

I had been listening to Dr. Ruscio's podcast and some others and hypothesized that perhaps my gut was still in a state of dysbiosis or perhaps there was a pathogen I was keeping at bay but hadn't eradicated. It's possible I'd cleared SIBO but not all of a fungal overgrowth (Candida or otherwise) that could have been there in the first place. I also know that while not diagnosed (for those concerned if i've "been diagnosed", it's a thing, LMGTFY!) with Crohn's Disease but suffering from the symptoms of it and benefiting from the treatment of an IBD like Crohn's, that it's possible that I am destined for a Low FODMAP diet forever. Research shows that people with IBD that go off of a low FODMAP protocol, often get worse. However, as the ever (now greedy) wellness consumer, I'm willing to try all my options.

I knew the first step was on me. I had to get back into a wellness routine that I knew worked for me. January first, I decided to do the elemental diet (I've done the semi-elemental diet in the past, which I do not tolerate well.) I did this for 3.5-4 days, a short, reset period. It's homemade, you can get the list of ingredients here. The purpose of this experiment was to see if I removed digestion from the equation by consuming this pre-digested liquid diet, could I get my body to de-bloat and "prune" (as Dr. Ruscio likes to say) back any initial overgrowth of either fungus or bacteria in my gut. I also committed to doing the first month of an herbal anti-microbial/anti-fungal protocol. It's the same one that I'd done with SIBO, just to prune back anything that had gotten out of control between November and January. 

It turns out, I tolerate the elemental diet very well. I was tired the first day and had a headache but that's pretty typical for me as a withdrawal symptom. I was symptomatic for the first two weeks of the antimicrobials/antifungals which indicates to me that I had some dysbiosis and/or fungus in my gut. I set a follow up meeting with Dr. Ruscio for the next month to discuss what I suspected and to talk about doing the second month of antimicrobials/antifungals which were more geared toward fungus, or if he had another suggestion.

In talking to Dr. Ruscio, I let him know the symptoms I was still experiencing: Low-level bloating, inability to add in more vegetables, some fatigue depending on lifestyle. He suggested that it's possible that I may have a microbiota that needs occasional "pruning" and is prone to overgrowth if not kept in check. The suggestions were the following:

  • Consider doing periodic bouts of the elemental diet (the one I tolerate) to give my digestion a break and starve out any dysbiosis. 
  • Do a round of the 2nd month of SIBO/SIFO treatment (the antimicrobials/antifungals)
  • Consider doing a round of Fluconazole, a pharmaceutical intervention for SIFO that doesn't show adverse effects on the mirobiota. (TBD if i do this in addition to the protocol above) 
  • Consider going on LDN or low-dose naltrexone, an immune booster now commonly used for those with autoimmune diseases. (It's his opinion based on research that my body's immune system attacks my microbiota, if this drug can help calm my system down from being on red alert all the time, perhaps I'll feel better.)
  • Do a week of a low histamine diet. I had additional concerns that maybe I have histamine intolerance (which may or may not be affected by the possible fungal presence). I have sometimes have allergic symptoms when consuming wine, my heart races after eating some foods, I flush when I have too much or certain alcohols and I am sometimes intolerant to fermented foods. My hypothesis is that this will change after antifungals, but we'll see. I do better when I avoid these foods, currently.

I have reservations about pharmaceutical interventions.
Taking antibiotics throughout my life, I believe, helped me to arrive in this condition.
I'm starting with the herbal antimicrobials/antifungals and then we'll consider the rest of the options in a month or so. 
I'll update the site then!


A Couple of Side Notes

I have a Covered California health care plan, the cheapest one that covers the least. Dr. Ruscio doesn't accept insurance so he's out of network no matter who I'm covered by (though his office does encourage you to super bill your insurance for their fees.) After 2015, I knew that my health care costs would be fewer in frequency and less in cost. I chose to downgrade the coverage I had to save money monthly (but not bankrupt myself if I have an accident). I do still have an HSA so if I make any money via w9, all of that money can go to paying me back (income tax free!) for any healthcare costs I incur during the year. This is one way that I help pay for my wellness on a budget.
Additionally, as Dr. Ruscio is an FMD, I needed a prescription written for the Fluconazole and the LDN (whether or not I fill them and take them we'll decide at a later date). Rather than paying another doctor for an appointment to get that written, I used my FREE (thanks #ACA) physical appointment to consult with my General Practitioner (who admittedly said he literally knows nothing about what I'm doing but if it works, then he's for it) and have him write me those prescriptions. That saved me an additional $150 on a doctor visit. 

In other exciting news, our new album is available for Pre-Order!

In other exciting news, our new album is available for Pre-Order!

Maintenance and Some Helpful Tools

Since about March, I've been feeling GOOD. Yep, I know, it's crazy! I have a handle on what food makes me feel best (even while touring). I've chilled out on consuming (but am not depriving myself completely of) alcohol. I am doing my best to sleep 8.5 hours a night, (10p bedtime is best for me but not consistent due to our tour schedule). I've added exercise back into my routine: Daily walking, light body weight workouts and yoga. I still do my best to stay updated on what's going on in the chronic illness / autoimmune wellness community, every little life hack can help.

When I started 3 years ago on the AIP protocol, if you had told me it would have taken this long for me to get to a point where I was feeling good, I may have never started. Temporary dietary changes felt like the end of the world. Every event was annoying because "I couldn't eat" something. Now that my food is dialed in and I've learned how to navigate social events I can say that food is the EASIEST part of this lifestyle, for me.

What I struggle with now is not overdoing it. I feel pretty good and "normal" most of the time now. So much so that I'll over schedule myself and end up knocking myself right back into feeling crappy. It takes me about 3-5 days to recover from a night lacking in sleep.  An early flight followed by late show, for instance and I'm right back to inflammation, headache, tired eyes, stress and anxiety until I can get back on track. It's hard to take advantage of wellness and not take it for granted.

I recently double booked myself for a late night birthday party followed by a friend's show. That afternoon I was feeling a bit restless and anxious so I got myself (read: forced self-care on myself) over to a yoga class. On my way home I called my best friend and talked out the situation. The reason I'm feeling so good is that I am prioritizing my health. I realized that the best decision for me was to cancel my plans. I reorganized my evening to fit with the routine of having an earlier night event and getting to bed by 10p. I need to use down time between tours to catch up on sleep and get back on "home schedule", to take advantage the times when I have control over my environment. 

Sleep, Food and Booze 

Similar to the project management triangle (see above), I can mess with one constraint at a time of: Sleep, Food or Booze and usually maintain a state of wellness.

None of the constraints can be altered without affecting the other.  Each of the points can be a stressor on the body.

  • If I'm not getting enough sleep, my food and booze intake has to be perfectly on point. (That means less than 20g of carbs, no booze and adequate fat intake, for me.)
  •  If I'm being more adventurous with my food, say having some handmade nixtamalization tortillas, then I need to not be overtired and I can't overdo it with alcohol.
  •  If I'm going to have more than 2 drinks, I need to make sure my food is on point and that I'm going to sleep enough to chill out my system.

It's all about balance. (Stress Management is a constant factor and has to be considered at all times before indulging in any of the above three constraints.) 


 Tools I couldn't live without 🙌


I follow some health centered / bio-hacking podcasts that often have a lot of information i'm familiar with but usually offer a great tidbits that I can hold as a reminder or something to help keep me motivated and on track. 

Dr. Ruscio Radio - This is my doctor, he's frequently commenting on and sharing current information having to do with gut health/ auto immunity / SIBO and thyroid issues. He also interviews other doctors about their research and writings. This has helped me save so much money as I don't need to call him for an appointment if my questions are answered by what he's giving away for free. 

AutoImmune Wellness Podcast - Mickey Trescott and Angie Alt of just wrote a new book on thriving with chronic illness and autoimmune conditions. Even though I'm at the last stage in this 16 episode podcast, I still found each episode really helpful. It's comforting for me to know and be reminded that there are other people out there also struggling with the symptoms associated with chronic illness. I was especially relieved to hear that what I still struggle with, (stress management, getting enough sleep and prioritizing my health routine) is what other people also commonly struggle with. Mickey mentions this in the last episode of the podcast and I felt so relieved. That these "gurus" of autoimmune conditions are struggling with the same things. She talks about how it's constantly a challenge to stay in balance. She, like me, gets greedy when feeling good and inevitably "over does it". 

Other podcasts I recommend following for new info, recipes and life tweaks: 

Revolution health radio, Ben Greenfield Fitness, and websites like, and


Other tools: 

Support system: I surround myself with people who support my health habits. I plan with friends who are happy to have a dinner in, or let me have a say in where we eat. (Inevitably, your self care will make some people defensive. Do your best to make a space for them to exist in a way that doesn't knock you off track.) I find this support invaluable both in  moments of weakness and the rest of the time. It's just good to have people around that support you!

Planning: I bring food with me everywhere! I eat before I leave the house and I make sure there is something I can eat with me for at least one or two meals in addition. That way I won't get caught off guard (life happens!) and make poor (for me) decisions. I also try to keep my food exciting and interesting by switching up what I’m making so I don’t stray out of boredom.


What to expect if you go down this road.

Let’s suppose that you stumbled upon this blog because you’re on a similar journey. I’d like to share some tips with you. Let’s call this the “might I suggest” list as I’m not an expert and no one likes a bossy know-it-all.

Not everyone is going to support you.

         I sincerely hope that everyone in your life does. That will make this SO much easier for you. However, you may find yourself in the position of defending yourself, frequently. We’re all at different stages in our lives. Not everyone is going to be ready to self-examine, just like there are people in your life that probably still trigger you too. You may be met with skepticism, sarcasm, ridicule and defensiveness. Don’t engage with people who are quick to negate something that is working for you. Similarly, not everyone is going to want to hear about your journey and how you’re doing. Even people who love you very much may be triggered by the conversation. Despite how you’re wording it, people are going to take what you say however they interpret it. Change the conversation. Save that energy for people who do want to engage with you on your tactics and progress.

Forgive others for being skeptical, you’re never going to win everyone over.

Forgive yourself for not having all the answers. All you can do is what’s working for you RIGHT NOW and when it’s not, change tactics. You do not have to be an expert at this.


Allow people to show up for you

         If you have people in your life that ARE supportive of you. Let them help! Take advantage of those relationships to talk about what’s working, what’s not, what your challenges are. If you have an outlet, it will make the time around the less supportive people easier. 

If your friends and family aren’t ready to be your support system, find another outlet: a message board, a doctor, a creative endeavor or exercise that will help you work things out. Some people need to talk stuff out, others may find that the best outlet for them is another type of expression. No matter what it is you’re trying out, I guarantee someone on the internet has tried it. Someone is out there for you. 



Assuming you're here because food is your thing, BRING FOOD EVERYWHERE. This could mean having almonds in your purse, or your own creamer in a cooler bag if you’re into getting coffee. Whatever your weakness is, PLAN FOR IT. I eat something before I leave the house, EVERY TIME. Just incase I get stuck in traffic or my day gets unexpectedly extended, I usually bring a little lunch bag with one more meal than I need. If you’re fed, you’re statistically more likely to make a better (for you) food choice. If you’re hungry you’re statistically more likely to get what you want to eat, rather than what might make you feel your best. (cake rather than fruit in this example). If I have a meal with me, I can just eat that!


There is no zealot like a convert (aka avoid preaching)

This one is a struggle for me because I get SO excited when I learn new things. I went through a phase in my 20s where I told everyone who would listen about how to treat their dog like a dog instead of a baby. I’d recently worked with an awesome trainer in LA and it was transforming my husband’s and my relationship with one of our dogs. We were EXPERTS. (um, no we were not.)

I went through a similar phase when I first moved to LA when I had excellent results with Weight Watchers teaching me how not to eat pizza all the time, add a little exercise to my life and I miraculously looked better in a bathing suit. (turns out, still not an expert on food, health and diet.)

I still struggle with “oversharing” because I want to connect with people and help them. If their journey sounds like it could be eased by the experiences I've had with diet and lifestyle I feel that it would be a disservice to them to not mention it. I try so hard to keep the conversation basic. Then I find myself mid-conversation talking about heavy metals or suggesting diets and I shame myself for being too pushy. It’s actually why I started this blog. It felt like all I talked about was this journey and where I’m at. Writing it down helps. That way I can still share the helpful information but in a way that is less personal for the recipient and stays personal for me. I am not able to share what I’ve learned in one conversation anyway so I just end up steamrolling the unsuspecting listener.
Every journey is personal.
While people might like to hear some of what’s working for you, they don’t necessarily want to be told what to do.


Small Changes with Big Results

Make time for you. Literally schedule it if you need to. This may be challenging; it can feel selfish.
I am of the mind that if putting yourself first makes you a better person, it’s also benefiting those around you. If you’re a mom or a spouse or a co-worker... or a person, putting you first will benefit others too. So, it’s not selfish. It’s a service. We’re all in this together. Don’t you wish that person honking at you in traffic had done a little more self-care? Maybe we’d all be a little nicer if we did.
Do as little as you need to – let go of needing to do everything correctly or best or first. If you’re like me, you probably owe some of your condition to that  type-a, “problem solver” nature in the first place. Do less and try to be OK with that. Learn to be OK with the absence of “busy”. Let go of being right and forgive yourself for being wrong. Change your language if you need to. I've been conscious about letting go of the word "no" as I think it holds too much negative energy in my speech. I try other ways of phrasing things, it's small but it can change your emotional connection. Explore outside of your comfort zone; maybe things that seem "woo woo" can help you.


That's all I've got. When I figure everything out I'll be sure to let you know.
Good luck, you're not alone, and well done. 


Food and Shame and a little Self-Awareness.

Real Talk.

I met a friend for drinks a couple months back. We were chatting about my “health journey” progress.  While we were sharing our current states and struggles I admitted to her that I don’t adhere perfectly to my diet all the time. She said it would be a worthy post to talk about the struggles of doing what’s best for yourself while managing stress and temptation. Also, she was relieved because based on this blog, she thought I did adhere perfectly. Let's get honest (and a little vulnerable)!

It does take diligence and a strict adherence (in my experience) to an elimination diet or therapeutic diet to see results and really get an idea of what you may be reacting to. However, many times I’ve been in an “in between” spot. A sort of “post elimination phase but still really not sure what is triggering me" spot. Those times (and life in general) can be extremely daunting. I have food weaknesses just like anyone. Over the past three years I’ve spent extended periods of time being super diligent about what I’m eating, when I’m eating and keeping track of the results. I’ve also found myself facing a “what’s the point” ultimatum. You can tell from my story that I spent the greater part of this journey (the majority of my life, less the past 3-5 years) bouncing back and forth between prioritizing my health and coping with stress and emotions. Coping for me usually means choosing comforting over healthy, foods and drinks.


One meal isn’t going to undo all the work you’ve done.

If you’re a year in on a journey and you’re between tactics and you’re about ready to throw in the towel or have a bagel. For goodness sake, have the bagel! (or whatever “cheating” would be for you)

This is a one step at a time, paying attention, listening to yourself (physically and mentally), treating yourself with loving kindness, patience and grace, marathon. Have the drink, or the meal and then pick yourself up and get back to what makes you feel best.

Everyone has their own threshold, their own limits. I want to avoid becoming fixated on my health and food in an unhealthy way. In between times of diligence, sometimes out of frustration and sometimes to let off a little steam, I’ve gone “off diet”. Other times, I buckle down.

When I want to see results I need to be strict. When those results, after a period of adherence aren't satisfactory, sometimes I have a “fuck it” meal (or couple of days). Then it’s back on the phone with Dr. Ruscio, and back to the drawing board of what was working as well as what wasn’t. I tweak diet, supplements, discuss habits and get back to what is the best routine for my lifestyle. (Dr. Ruscio interviewed Steve from and they talked about this notion as well. Don’t drive yourself crazy!)


It’s not about you.

For me, talking about health and food options has become a sensitive subject. Its one of the reasons this blog has become a more positive way for me to share my experience.

I feel judged by people around me in the form of sarcasm, eye rolls, “okaaaaaayyyyy” from servers, etc. This may sound arrogant but I don’t mean it to: it’s because my choices are triggering those people. I can’t speak to their journey and what it is that I’m triggering but I do know it is most certainly true that whatever they’re reacting to isn’t about me at all. Nothing anyone ever does is because of you. Everything is an outward projection of that person’s reality. My problem is, I’m sensitive. I’m reacting internally, to their reaction of me. I don’t want to trigger anyone’s own bullshit, I feel bad about it.

Frequently in the past, when I’d be stressed, triggered, lonely, sad or “over it” my instinct would be to go eat fast food (I think I actually have an addiction to Big Macs and french fries), or buy something or have a drink. My brain would search for anything to distract myself from what I was feeling because it was uncomfortable. I remember feeling this sort of discomfort and inability to sit in it during quiet moments alone, or in a yoga class. It often manifests as reaching for my phone every 5 minutes or not wanting to hold a yoga pose. It’s taken the last 5 years to begin to be comfortable staring this discomfort in the face. I’ll probably have to practice it for the rest of my life. I look for tactics to be able to stare it down calmly, and decide to feel it rather than eat it, buy it or numb it away. I have to say that the amount of eating rather than feeling (or fill in your preferred distraction here) has gone down significantly in the past year with this very deliberate decision. Traveling abroad with no phone service has aided in my practice as I have one less thing to use against myself.

A good friend of mine is a meditation coach in LA and she taught me a method of tapping into what’s really going on. I just tried this the other day when surprisingly (because it’s been a while since I’ve had this reaction) ALL I wanted was a Big Mac. I knew after all the success I’ve been experiencing on the Ketogenic diet that I would feel guilty, bloated, tired, moody and probably have a rough couple of days if I indulged. I couldn’t shake the impulse and I knew if I passed a fast food joint I’d stop.

So I did what she taught me:

I was driving but you can do this anywhere, an office bathroom, your office, a quiet room. Just find a place to be alone with yourself, place your hand on your heart and ask yourself “What is it that I need to know?” and let yourself honestly answer. Every time you answer “I’m angry” or “I’m hurt” or “I’m frustrated because this person said this” respond with “OK… What else?” and you just keep answering yourself until you’re finished. Until you’ve fully listened to yourself and all your grievances.

Once I did this, I was able to reflect on the true answer and it totally calmed me down. I honestly didn’t feel the need to stop for fast food anymore. Sometimes the answer is still a bummer, but it’s a stepping stone, a point for you to focus on and work from so you can continue to grow. Like Christina taught me, all your feelings want, are to be felt.

I wanted to figure out why I couldn’t just let some things go and why I was so anxious and hurt and my heart was racing and I wasn’t sleeping. It came down to this:

My fear was that I’m not worth it.

-That I don’t deserve to “act like such a diva” and restrict my food this much while in public, on tour.
-To spend all the money and time and energy and conversation and tears and meditation on myself.
-That self exploration, improvement and love are selfish (there are bigger problems in the world).
-That I’m a burden on my co-workers and my husband.
-To make my friends listen to what I’ve tried eating and what the symptoms and what the results are, over and over and over again.
…and so on.

The energy I was receiving from those around me was triggering that fear. It felt like they were confirming all of it to be true.

So, I sat there in the car and said to myself “Hey, wait a minute. Why do they get to dictate if I’m worth it?” I’ve been spending all this time and money and energy. I obviously think I’m worth it. So fuck that!

I read Big Magic this week by Elizabeth Gilbert and it contained this perfect little message:

“Don’t rush through the experiences and circumstances that have the most capacity to transform you”
Don’t let go of your courage the moment things stop being easy or rewarding.
Because that moment?
That’s the moment interesting begins.”

I still get hurt feelings but its unrealistic to expect otherwise. I am always going to face people who don't agree with my lifestyle or personality. The good news is that those people don't dictate my life. I do. AND I have an intimate but fierce support system and a doctor who’s on the pulse of new and “natural” treatment options, so I have support where I need it. I need to focus more on leaning on them and brushing off other people's projections.

Instead of giving into the shame and doubt, or rushing through the discomfort with distractions, I face it. It really seems like the more I address the issue directly, the stronger I get. The longer I stay the course with food, the more resilient I get. The better I get at not reacting to someone else, the calmer I am at facing conflict. I am transforming as a person, I can feel that and those close to me can see it. Everyone I interact with will somehow benefit from this work.

How I sing,

How I sing,

Signs are consistently popping up to help me stay on course, more than ever before and I truly think it’s because I’m just pushing through the discomfort day by day. The harder it seems, the more messages I receive: apropos billboards, passages in books, grafitti, music, a scene in a movie, the meditation theme I heard last night. It’s all just SO relevant and coincidental. I find it very encouraging and I love sharing that with like-minded folks because I think it can also be so exciting and affirming for others on similar journeys. Even if the moment doesn’t specifically pertain to them, the process does.

So, don’t worry about being perfect. Focus on what you’re feeling and adjust as you go. If food is your thing then do your best and don't beat yourself up. Stay the course and pay attention, signs are showing up to confirm what you already know, you are worth it.

Oh, and also read Big Magic.